


But on a Wednesday

by mashisims



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Justin Jensen, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Playlist, Post Season 2, They're like clueless but in love, but it's fluffy between them, it's angsty because of what the boys have been through, mentions of past relationships - Freeform, minor Clony, there's a lot of staring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-05-09 16:32:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14719650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashisims/pseuds/mashisims
Summary: Nobody really understands how, or when, or why it is that they start falling for another person; but it happens, and there's no going back.Or, the four times Justin and Alex wanted to kiss each other, and the one time they did.





	1. Maybe then, you’ll want me just as much

Alex didn’t feel surprised; disappointed, yeah, but surprised, not entirely. For a while, Alex could imagine it when he looked in the mirror; he would look at that image of the boy he had grown to accept; half-functioning body, hole in his head, scrawny frame and all, and he would think about all the things he believed were wrong with him. He would think about all the reasons and all excuses Jessica, and any other person, would have for never giving him a second chance to show them how much love he could give. He looked at himself, flawed and torn, but even then, none of it mattered, because Jessica had showed him that maybe, just maybe, they could give each other a second chance.

Alex believed it, and then he took Jessica’s arm in his as they entered that school dance, they danced together, she helped through it, they kissed, and Alex believed it.

Either way, just like his head had battled with his heart about which direction to look at, he figured it out. It didn’t matter how hard Alex tried to be the best person in Jessica’s life, the solid ground she needed as support to recover, or simply, the boyfriend she deserved, it was never going to be enough, because despite all his efforts, she would still pick Justin in a heartbeat. So, Alex was not surprised at all, but he sure as hell was disappointed.

He blamed neither of them; they had something deeper than what he had ever had with the girl; something more meaningful, something Alex couldn’t understand. Therefore, he told himself every night, that even if it broke his heart, if it made his mind go places he was trying hard to avoid, if Justin had never been such a good friend to him before; even then, he would still be happy for them, because that was everything he wanted, for Jessica to be happy, and for everybody else to be at peace.

Alex also promised he would do everything he could to stay away from every dramatic situation, because he, and everyone else, had already had too much of it.

He wanted to keep his promise, but every time he saw those two together, his rage told him to jump on top of a table, tell Jessica he loved her, and then, proceeding to beat Justin until he laid unconscious on the floor. Thankfully, his body and his mind didn’t have the strength to do so; so, he just sat there, looking at them.

That worked about fine for a while, until the time came, when he started spending time with his friends at Clay’s, which had become some sort of hub for the group; the official hanging out place, and which was also- Justin’s new home. That day, and the days that came after, that was when Alex could admit to himself that there was something changing.

“Not another party, please” Clay complained at the suggestion.

“Oh, come on, Clay” Sheri tried to convince him with her usual sweet voice and smile.

“Let’s do one, come on” Zack supported Sheri’s idea. “Justin’s right, you know? We need to get you laid”

“Stop trying to get me laid!” Clay complained again.

“Besides, Clay’s parent would freak if they found out we had a part in here” Alex helped.

“But it doesn’t have to be a big party, it could just be us, that’s fine” Sheri did her part.

“Then, are we having a party right now?” 

Alex left the couch so he could use his cane to stand up.

“See? Alex is on my side” Clay pointed out at Alex, just as said boy limped to the bathroom door. Alex felt like if he could watch, it would be like looking at a snail trying to run away from a predator.

“That’s because he doesn’t need to find someone to get laid, he has a girlfriend, so he doesn’t care about the party” Zach continued to insist in making fun of Clay.

Right after that comment, Clay and Sheri proceeded to argue in full speed with Zach, and Alex was thankful that they didn’t turn to him in search for a response, because he wouldn’t have been able to hide his fake smile and the frown. Of course, he had a girlfriend, but that didn’t mean they were having sex. Well, at least he wasn’t.

When Alex finally made his way to the bathroom door, he tried to open it by pulling the handle, but it wouldn’t open.

“Clay, your bathroom door won’t open”

“Oh, yeah, right” Clay shook his head. “It’s broken from the inside, my dad says he’s fixing it, but he just won’t” He laughed at the comment. “You can use the other bathroom”  
Alex threw him a face. “You mean, the upstairs bathroom?”

It probably took Clay a while to get why Alex was bothered by going upstairs, because he narrowed his eyes for a second, right before they turned into big balls instead. “Oh, right”

“I can help you,” Zack offered, already getting up from the couch.

“No, don’t bother” Alex waved his hand, already making his way to the stairs. “I got it”

Step by step, it felt like an eternity, trying to climb those stairs with all his strength being pushed to his good leg. Eventually, he made it, but he knew he’d have to wait a while before he thought about climbing them back down. He thought about how pathetic is was that he was panting, and that his breath was so uneven after doing minimal physical activity.

He slowly walked toward the bathroom, his steps barely making any noise. When he opened the door, he walked inside the bathroom, he placed his cane on the floor, resting on the wall, and he reached out to the sink for support almost instantly.

When Alex lifted his head, so he could take a long look at his face, he didn’t even stop to think about the fact that his focus did not stay on his face, but on the distant movements he could catch from the reflection. On the side, he could see the complete hallway of the second floor of the house, all the way to Justin’s new room, with the door slightly open, but enough to see there was someone inside. Someone he knew all too well.

Jessica.

Alex was used to his body not responding the way he told his mind to; but he hadn’t experienced his body moving without him telling it to before. He started walking out of the bathroom and straight to the guy’s room. He limped, and he stumbled along the short way, but he kept walking, and before he knew it, he was already leaning on the frame of the room, staring at the couple inside.

He wanted to say something, he wanted to scream, but he didn’t. He just stood there instead. He saw how Jessica and Justin kissed hungrily, yet he could see the softness in the image and feel the lightness in the air. Alex thought about how Jessica liked to take initiative, how her figure seemed stronger than Justin’s in a way as she stands up from her spot on the bed, so she can take a new one on Justin’s lap. He thought about the times she used to do the same to him. For a second, he stared at Justin. He knew he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of him being the one with Jessica at the time, but even when sometimes Justin didn’t show any signs of being capable of feeling anything good, he knew he loved her. Justin loved Jessica like nothing he had ever cared about in his life, and Alex knew that. Justin almost looked peaceful. Every time their mouths separated, there was a smile on his face, and there was one in Jessica’s as well.

Seeing Justin kissing Jessica right there; Alex couldn’t move. He stared directly at Justin’s lips, wondering…

“Alex” Jessica jumped off Justin as he saw Alex standing there. Justin jumped off the bed as well right away. They both had the most worried expressions in their faces. 

“Alex, man” Justin called after Jessica, both still looking as Alex stood there.

Alex knew they would’ve called him out for creeping up on them if they hadn’t known they were doing something wrong; if he hadn’t just caught his sort-of-girlfriend cheating on him with her ex and his friend.

“It’s fine” Alex ensured. He tried to sound okay, but he knew his expression wasn’t matching what he was saying. “Really,”

For a second, Alex thought both Justin and Jessica were in the verge or crying, but even if that had been the case, he didn’t stay to watch. The boy turned around and limped back down the stairs, he got back to his friends and he pretended nothing was out of the ordinary.

 

That night was the first time in his life he thought about Justin’s lips that way.

He sat on the entrance stairs for the rest of the night, or at least until his dad arrived to pick him up, contemplating the street. The fresh air and the cold breeze felt nice across his face, and he noticed the air felt colder in a certain hairless spot on his head.

He’d be lying if the said he didn’t feel sad about it; because, hell, he did. He just couldn’t bring himself to feel too bad about himself anymore, but if he did allow himself to think about the truth, well, everything sucked. It sucked that Alex lost the girl he loved because of a stupid list, which was not even relevant anymore. It sucked that he had to wait for so long to get her back, and it sucked even more that right after he did, she ran back into Justin’s arms. Yeah, that sucked.

He wondered why Jessica preferred Justin over him. Sure, at that particular time, Justin could give so much more than Alex could, mostly because he couldn’t even hug her without it being her holding him, but Jessica couldn’t have been so selfish into thinking Justin was better only because he could move his body better.

So, what was it? What was it that Justin had that Alex didn’t? Did he listen to her better than Alex ever did? Did he take her out more? Did he buy her flowers more often? Did he have better jokes to tell? Did he treat her better?

Was he a better kisser than Alex?

As ridiculous as it sounded, Alex wondered. He wondered if Justin was a better kisser, and that’s why Jessica always chose the guy over him. But, how better could he possibly be? What was so special about Justin’s lips? He thought about the possibility of one day, confronting Jessica about it, but, like Jessica would ever tell him, and even if she did, Alex was sure he would never understand.

He might as well kiss Justin himself.

Alex laughed at the thought, about how tempting it felt; kissing Justin. Maybe if he did, he would know. Maybe if he tasted his lips, he would know what Jessica loved so much about them. Maybe if he played with his tongue, he would learn how it would feel to be so captivated and struck by someone, he wouldn’t blame her anymore.

What if, by kissing Justin, he could taste a bit of Jessica on his lips? Would he like that? Or would it be devastating?

Alex returned home not too long after. He entered the house and said goodbye to everyone, including Jessica and Justin. He waved, and he shut the door behind him.

 

Alex was used to always having company. If he was still awake, then so was his mom, or his dad, or both. He had grown so used to it, he never complained anymore. He felt his eyelids battling stronger than the rest of him. He was always tired, but that night he recognized he just needed to go to bed; an improvement, if he was asked.

He was about to go to bed when the noise of the doorbell travelled around his home. His dad lowered his book and got up quickly. “I’ll get it” And before Alex could take a floppy step onto the stairs, his dad was back inside calling him. “Alex, it’s Justin, he wants to see you”

After walking in on Justin kissing Jessica, and seeing the face of the poor boy, Alex wasn’t surprised Justin had come to see him. Justin had chosen Jessica, and Jessica had chosen Justin; he was out of it, and he had to accept it. Maybe Justin wanted him to know that there was no use in trying to get Jess back with him, that he had to let go, but joke’s on him, because Alex was already one step ahead. He was willing to let it all go, to never fight for Jessica ever again, if it meant she was finally happy.

“Thanks, dad” He took some weak steps out of his house, bringing the cane along, and he let his dad help him a little, even. He stepped outside, closing the door behind him, and he turned to look at the boy standing in front of him.

“Hey, Justin” Alex sighed as he stood in that awkward position.

“Hi, Alex” He said back; face full of guilt and sadness. “Do you want to sit down?” He pointed at the bench-swing in front of his door. 

Without saying a word, Alex took a few more steps and sat down as suggested. Once seated, he let his cane lay on the concrete wall, only, he must’ve let go of it too harshly because it slipped down to the ground. He wasn’t going to bother on picking it up at the moment, since he wasn’t even going to use it, but before he could even protest, Justin was already there, saving him the effort. 

“You don’t have to, I’ll pick it up later”

“No, it’s nothing” Justin placed the cane closer to Alex’s reach, and then proceeded to cautiously sit next to the guy; he shifted uncomfortably a bit, and then he opened the space for the silence that came after. Alex knew what was coming, so he didn’t push him to talk.

“Uhm” He laughed nervously as he looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, about Jessica” Was all his raspy voice managed to say.

“Yeah, I told you, it’s fine” Alex responded softly.

“No, it’s not fine” Justin snapped, his voice trembled as he allowed a few tears escape his eyes. It wasn’t a new look for Justin; Alex had seen him crying multiple times, for multiple reasons, but he wasn’t sure why he was crying at the time. In his opinion, it should’ve been the other way around it. “None of this is fine”

“I knew you had gotten back together with Jessica, and I still let her” He cried some more, but Alex was not reacting at all. “I knew we were being unfair to you, and I still did it” 

Justin let out a few sobs before he continued to speak. “I’m so sorry, Alex, but I couldn’t stop; I didn’t want to stop”

Alex had seen Justin sad before, but probably never like that; almost bawling, not daring to look at him in the eye, shaking, barely holding on. Seeing him like that, it was hard to feel mad at him. A sudden urge to place a hand on him for comfort took over, so he did. When he placed his hand on Justin’s back, the boy turned to look at him, even when he was barely touching him.

“Why are you not beating the shit out of me?”

Alex’s lips twitched a little, forming something close to a smile, and he never left Justin’s eyes. “I knew, too” He confessed at softly as he could. 

Justin’s eyes widened, and Alex could catch something else other than guilt; fear, maybe, or embarrassment. He opened his mouth, and Alex probably believed he was going to ask how, but he continued talking before he could do it.

“At the dance, I saw her leaving after you, and then you two went missing for a while, so, I figured”

Justin closed his eyes for a while, understanding what Alex was saying.

“But it’s fine” Alex repeated the same thing. “She’s in love with you, not with me”

Saying those words out loud sounded worse than Alex thought they would. Out loud, they sounded like the truth; a truth he would’ve cried for if Justin hadn’t been there, or if he hadn’t just said multiple times that it was okay. Alex and Justin both knew who Jessica had chosen, but neither had spoken about it.

“Just make sure you make her happy, that’s all”

Justin continued to look at him. Alex could see a pinch of sadness crawling over the guy’s face. “She doesn’t want to be with me, either” A tear. “Not anymore”

The only thing that happened after that was both boys sinking into the silence, neither of them saying another word, but both looking at each other from time to time. Alex knew that Justin was trying to find the right words to say something that would somehow make everything okay, but every time he looked at him he decided not to. However, during that time, Alex had other things in mind.

He remembered feeling jealous and deceived, but curious at the same time. He remembered thinking about Justin’s lips, and the magic released from his kiss. He remembered wanting to know what it would feel like to kiss him, so he could understand what was it that Jessica loved. Alex stared at his lips for a while, not worried about Justin finding out, because the boy seemed too worried about his own problems to notice.

Alex had to hold back at the thought that he might have actually leaned in to kiss him. He wasn’t sure if it would mean anything, or if it would make a difference, so he stopped himself before he did anything stupid.

 

That night, Justin left Alex’s house with a sad smile on his face and a pair of puffy eyes, and Alex went to his room with the help of his cane and the railway, and he lied on his bed, looking at the ceiling, only thinking about that one thing.

It had been a weird feeling; he was almost sure his brain had wanted to kiss Justin, right there, at night, sitting on the swing, but Alex knew that he didn’t want to kiss him just because he wanted to. He wanted to do it, because he thought, that maybe, if he knew how to kiss like Justin; if he knew how to love like Justin, then Jessica would probably want him just as much.


	2. She always said she didn't get the song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't intended for this chapter to take me like 5 days to write! I know I could've done it in less; but I've been really busy. Anyway, here it is, and I hope you like it because I really love how it turned out.

There was a lot Justin still had to get used to; like to remember it was possible to take a shower every time he thought he smelled, or that he didn’t really have to suffer every time he realized he needed to buy something, that he wouldn’t have to leave it to his luck if he was going to be able to study the next month because there was no one to pay his tuition, or the fact that he didn’t have to think about where he was going to after school; because then he had somewhere.

He also had to get used to waking up in the morning to the smell of pancakes, or to someone calling his name, or even, shaking him up. That morning, he had to deal with those three. First, he felt a strong grip on his shoulders, followed by the realization someone was shaking him slightly; and the frustration someone feels when they acknowledge they had been having a really good dream, and they can’t get back to it.

After throwing a couple growls at Clay, because he’d recognize those delicate hands anywhere, he heard Clay’s, and also his, mom calling both their names for breakfast. Justin found it hard to believe that ‘getting down right now or miss breakfast’ was the closest thing he was getting to a threat in his house.

He would’ve managed to growl Clay away and to ignore his mom; that would’ve been fine, but then- then, the smell.

Justin would probably never get used to waking up to the smell of pancakes.

When he opened his eyes, he was greeted by Clay’s messy hair, all pushed up to one side in result of the pillow, and his sleeping clothes all crumpled and adjusted awkwardly around his torso.

“Calm down, Jensen” He joked as he gladly pulled the covers off himself and got up from the bed.

“She’s not joking about the missing breakfast thing” Clay told Justin as he followed him out of the room; the guy was already making his way down to the stairs. “And, by the way, you might have to start calling me ‘Clay’ because you’re technically a Jensen, too”

“Fuck off, I’m not changing my name”

Once downstairs, Justin was welcomed by the usual and causal, yet classy, warm, yet fresh, and more importantly, familiar environment. When he hugged his mom good morning and he patted his dad’s shoulders and sat down, he wondered how they had been able to be perfectly awake at that time, neatly dressed and fully energized. Some things would never end to amaze him.

“Mom,” Clay called right after he stuffed his mouth, earning a look from her. “Doesn’t Justin have to change his name now?”

Justin glared from the other side of the table, still taking a bite from his pancakes like Clay.

“Well, not if he doesn’t want to” She answered as she put some things on the table.

Justin threw another look at Clay; a victorious one that time, and he knew he wouldn’t have been looking as serious as he would’ve wanted to if it weren’t for his fat cheeks, mouth filled with food, teeth trying to chew the mass of food at the same time.

“Justin Jensen” Clay announced, and then it looked like he was analyzing it in the air. “Yeah, you’re probably right, it’s a mouthful”

After a bit of banter from the newly brothers and the parents, the ringing of the phone interrupted the meal. Naturally, everybody waited a few rings to see who would stand up and pick up the phone, but because nobody did, and instead, happily ignored it, Clay’s dad wiped his mouth with a napkin, and putting it to the side, the stood up with a sigh.

“Should we get rid of the landline, since we all have a phone either way?”

Both Clay and Justin looked at each other and laughed silently.

“Hello?”

“Sounds like a tongue twister” Justin continued with the conversation.

“You’d need to practice it every day”

“Mhm” Justin agreed as he took a big bite. “Maybe you should all change your names to Foley”

Clay turned to look at him with the side of his face expanded like a squirrel from keeping his food inside his mouth.

“Why would we do that?”

“Solidarity”

“Clay Foley sounds worse that Justin Jensen”

“No one is changing their names if you don’t want to” Their mom intervened, taking a bite of her own breakfast.

Justin pointed at her with his fork in agreement, and then he proceeded to meet Clay with a laugh and continue with his plate.

A few seconds of silence after, all three of them turned their attentions to the guy with the phone when he spoke again.

“Yeah, my kids are here”

They all looked at each other; somehow predicting it was something important.

“Okay, do you know who it is? Is the kid okay?”

Clay and Justin shared a worrying look.

“Clay Jensen and Justin Foley- yeah, okay, thank you”

When their dad hung up and left the landline on the desk, he sighed and took his time to return to his seat.

“Who was it, honey?”

“It was the station, some officers at the hospital”

“What- why, what happened?”

Clay asked, suddenly more worried and aware than before.

“They don’t know all the details yet, but apparently there was an accident, and someone got hurt, they don’t know who it is because they didn’t have an ID on them, all they know is that it has to be someone involved with this whole thing of the trial and the tapes and everything”

“What? What kind of accident? Who was it?”

“They don’t know yet, that’s why they called, to know if it had been either one of you”

“But it was not one of us, we’re here” Clay began to sound more like he was exasperated. “And how can they not know who it is?”

“Clay, calm down, this just happened, they’ll find out soon enough”

“Well, can we go to the hospital? Maybe we can help”

Clay’s mom intervened again and helped with the big boy and the tantrum to come right in front of her. “Clay, the best way you can help is by leaving it to them, they’ll figure it out”

“But we’re still going, right? Someone is in the hospital, what if it’s Jessica, or Tony, or Alex…” Clay got up from his chair and tapped Justin’s shoulder with his hand. “Come on”

“But I haven’t finished breakfast yet”

“Are you serious, Justin?”

 

And that’s how Justin found himself sitting on one of those cushioned, yet stiff, waiting room chairs with a pacing-back-and-forth Clay in front of him.

Justin would look at Clay as he moved from one side to the other; he would sit down for a couple seconds, only to shake his leg quickly and tap his foot against the floor and then proceeding to stand up again.

He got why he acted that way; Clay was a nice person; kind of dumb, and impulsive, yes, but he was still a nice person. He cared about his friends and he cared about justice; he wanted things to be in order and okay; well, maybe not so much in order, the guy was pretty messy, to be honest. The point was, that Justin wondered why he never reacted the same way as him.

Why was he sitting on a chair, rubbing his head and looking at the liquid in his cup of coffee as he tried to send the morning sleepiness away?

He had to admit, he had been going through all the possibilities in his head in the ride to the hospital. A car accident? It could’ve been anyone; those things happen. Maybe Tony had been chasing someone with his car, or maybe Ryan had been too distracted and crashed against the garage door, or maybe Alex had gone through one of those rage stages again and sped with his car in the highway. Or, maybe, there had been a fight. Maybe Jessica had tried to defend someone and it ended badly, or maybe Alex had spoken more than he should’ve and things had gotten too rough. Or, maybe- maybe Alex never got rid of that gun and he had tried to- well, Justin only hoped he really hadn’t. And the truth was, that after going through all those scenarios, the guy had started to freak out a little. Specially after he realized all of them included Alex.

He felt a little partial by saying that, but out of everyone he knew, Alex was probably the one he wanted nothing to happen to the most; and it’s not like he didn’t care about everyone else; he was just becoming attached to that growing friendship and all the times Alex had helped Justin and had wished nice things for him.

What if, Alex was the one laying on a hospital bed- again, and he was out there sitting on a chair? Yeah, he was definitely starting to freak out, but he wanted to prove Clay, and himself, that he could deal with those kinds of things better than he could; that he didn’t have to walk around to put up with himself. But, yeah. He was feeling rather nervous.

“How can you be so calm?” Clay sighed and shook his head at the sight of Justin. “We could help, you know?”

Justin shrugged as an answer to his first question. “But we’re not getting involved in something we know nothing about, really, calm down, Clay”

“Why, we don’t even know who it is in there, what if it were Jessica, would you sitting like that? Or-”

Clay had a point, Justin thought. Maybe he was not exploding like the guy was because he wasn’t really scared for anyone in particular yet. But, yeah, if it had been Jessica, he would’ve probably been a little more on edge. Even after everything, the break-up, Jessica deciding he was not going to see Justin anymore because it was not cool to Alex, after avoiding each other for weeks; even then, he still felt for her. And if she had been the one in danger, that would suck.

“Or Alex?”

But that, that was worse. Alex was not his ex, nor the person he had pained for in the past; he was not the person who lit fireworks in his mind and shed blood in his heart at some point in his past life; but he was a really nice light who shined in his present one.

Ever since the girl they fought for had decided it was best if she didn’t see either of them, they themselves decided it would be best not to hold any grudges or to continue fighting over her; it was healthier for everyone. Therefore, that didn’t stop them from talking about her all the time; so much, that they started having conversations of their own, and to Justin, it started to feel like he had someone he could share those dark secrets that were haunting him with, and Alex wouldn’t judge him; it would be okay.

So yeah, thinking about it being Alex, that was worse; because, it being Jessica, he could deal; but Alex, he would lose his mind.

But, why would Clay even suggest that it’d be Alex if he didn’t know it would shake something inside of him?

“Man, don’t say that” Justin begged. “It’s not Alex”

“How can you be so sure?” Clay opened his arms in suggestion. “He hasn’t healed completely, what if he fell or if something happened in his brain, or-”

“No, don’t say that” Justin interrupted; this time standing up and reaching out to Clay to make him stop. “It’s not Alex”

“Let’s hope not” Clay moved away, and he continued to walk around the room, leaving Justin alone, which more than anything, only allowed them to take over, and Justin began to wonder if… It couldn’t be, right? Alex was stronger than ever; he still had a long way to go but he was improving by the minute, and Justin had never felt prouder of a person before. Alex couldn’t have thrown away all the effort threw the window and gone back to square one, could he? He couldn’t have left Justin.

But, yeah, maybe he hadn’t, but a million other things could’ve happened, like Clay had said. He could’ve tripped over something, or fallen down the stairs while attempting to climb down, or maybe his hand had acted up while cooking and he cut or burned himself. Or, maybe his brain had decided to come up with a new thing. Justin hated that he was having all those thoughts; he hated feeling helpless; helplessly always looking at the worst scenarios.

Without really noticing, he started pacing from one side to the other, trying to shake those ideas away.

“Anxious, huh?” Clay called after him.

“Fuck you, Jensen”

Justin wasn’t surprised at all when other people started arriving at the hospital as well; everyone just as worried and anxious. Nobody knew any more information than he did, and nobody had any other details that could help the case.

Justin hated seeing everyone so nervous, but at the same time, seeing their faces as they arrived helped him feel a little more at ease; it helped to discard the possibilities.

The first one to arrive was Courtney, who attempted to make Clay sit down as his dads went over to Clay and Justin’s parents.

Next one to show up was Zach, who looked like he hadn’t even stopped to get showered and dressed before hitting the hospital since he was still wearing his baseball clothes. Justin could see one of his dirty socks peeking through the zipper of his backpack.

Ryan, Marcus…

When Jessica arrived, Justin felt a piece of his heart stitch back up. He was glad she was fine. They were still working on the whole ‘boundaries’ thing, so he just settled for smiling at her and giving her a nod across the room. She had said it was better that way.

Justin felt like he was about to sit back down and cry. If something had happened to Alex…

But just then, the door opened once again, and Justin saw that particular head with the buzzcut and the visible scar on the side. Jessica wouldn’t have let him run to her and hug her; she would’ve pushed him a little, or she wouldn’t have hugged him back, and instead she would’ve said how that was not okay. But those rules didn’t apply to Alex. As a result, Justin walked straight to the guy as he closed the door behind him and his dad, and he wrapped his arms around the guy’s torso, who very satisfyingly to Justin’s feelings, hugged him back.

“Fuck you, Standall, what the hell” He asked calmly against his shoulder as they hugged.

“What- what did I do?” Alex responded with a laugh as they let go of each other.

“They call to my house, saying somebody had an accident, they don’t tell me who it is, and everybody shows up and you don’t” Justin explained as simply as he could; not like he could elaborate. “I thought it was you”

“Well, why didn’t you just call” Alex smiled at him.

Justin went blank for a second, and the realization began to hit him. He felt like such an idiot.

“Right,” He let out, earning a few more laughs and smiles from the guy. “I didn’t think about that”

“I would’ve saved you the heartache”

“Fuck you, again” That time, Justin pushed Alex’s shoulder, and tried not to show his concern when the guy stumbled a bit.

Both boys gave each other some weak laughs.

“So, uhm, now that you’re here, and I’m not freaking out anymore, do you want to go outside or something, I’m getting tired of being in this place”

“I get it, I’ll be forever tired of this place as well,” Justin’s gut tightened at the comment. “But I haven’t even come inside yet, and besides, I didn’t bring my cane”

Justin looked up and down at him, searching for the cane, which, was in fact, not there. “Why don’t you have it?”

Alex shrugged. “I’m pushing myself”

“Oh, okay, and how’s that going?”

“Pretty good” They stared. Again. “Let me just say hello so everyone, and see what I can figure out about this thing, and then we’ll head out” He pointed at the group of people gathered in the middle of the room, and then he turned back to Justin and gave him a smile.

“Okay”

Alex began to limp in the direction of the crowd with Justin walking beside him. “You might have to help me, though” Alex looked down at his leg. “I overestimated the strength of my leg”

Justin looked down at his leg as well and he laughed. He then proceeded to wrap his arm around Alex’s waist, and the guy held on to him, too.

 

Alex knew about the back entrance garden of the hospital due to the time he had spent there in the early stages of his recovery, and he asked Justin to lead him there, probably because it was the only nice play in the hospital he knew.

Justin debated in his mind if it could really be called a garden, because it didn’t look like one entirely. But then again, maybe he had a fake, fantasy concept of what a garden was supposed to look like, since he had never really had one himself. To Justin, it just looked like a large area with green grass, benches and people in white robes.

They could’ve sat on one of the many empty benches, but Alex had gone directly for the grass, and Justin didn’t mind enough to complain, so he just helped him as he dropped all of his body weight on his good leg and practically fell to the ground.

“Can I ask you something?” Alex asked him without making eye contact, staring blankly at the distance.

Justin turned to look at him, even when Alex wouldn’t connect their eyes.

“Yeah”

“I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to” He looked down, and to the side, and back to the front, but never at Justin. “I’m not sure if I’m allowed to even ask”

Justin still stared without saying a word. What could have Alex possibly asked that was so dangerous? He waited for him to turn to look at him, or else, he was not going to respond and let Alex hide in the air.

Eventually, Alex felt the lack of conversation and he was forced to look at Justin, who managed to capture his cautious, slow-moving, captivating expression, so the only thing he had left was to ask; “What?”

Justin had probably never noticed clearly enough how shiny and blue Alex’s eyes were. He had probably never noticed either how nice and smooth his skin looked when it was being hit by the sun, or that his nose was so thin and nice to look at, and that in the morning cold, the tip was a shade more pink than the rest of his face. He had, surely, never noticed his lips either; how could he have without needing to think about them?

They were probably sitting way too close, and Justin almost forgot Alex had asked him something.

“Have you seen your mom lately?”

At first, Justin hadn’t seen the proper direction of the question, since he felt the answer “she’s inside with everyone” rolling over to the tip of his tongue, before Alex’s face reminded him he wasn’t talking about Lainie. He was talking about his other mom.

“Oh” He breathed when he realized. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know” Alex shook his head and he looked at the ground. “I really don’t know why I’m asking, maybe I’m just too curious for my sake”

Justin smiled slightly, and then he looked away as well. “No, I haven’t” Then he could feel Alex’s eyes on his skin. “But it’s not like I’ve forgotten about her, or that I don’t want to remember or see her, I just don’t know if I’d be able to handle it if I did” He made a stop, but Alex didn’t even gasp, so he continued to ramble. “I don’t know what she decided to do the last time I saw her, and I don’t really want to find out, I’d rather just remember her like how she was that time; not that fucked up” He laughed at that last thing, because it hadn’t sounded as ridiculous in his mind as it had in the air.

“Yeah, I get it” Alex added to Justin’s statement. “You want to remember her as a nice and happy person” He smiled at him again. “That’s actually really nice of you”

Justin returned the smile, but he looked down and shook his head. He was grateful for Alex; for having him there and for the guy to always making him feel better, but there were some things that not even coming from him, Justin would believe. Still, he appreciated the gesture.

“I kind of did the same for Jessica, when she left me the first time” Oh no, there they went again.

For most people, or at least that’s what they thought, it wouldn’t have been okay to talk about their ex, who both happened to share, with each other, because it could open sore wounds or lead to a possibly ugly fight. But, as weird as it may have sounded, they had come to an unspoken agreement in which they wouldn’t turn away when one of them had to speak about the girl. It was still hard for Justin to think about Jessica with Alex, and he knew it was hard for him as well to think about her with Justin, but they listened to one another either way. Justin kept saying to himself that it was because he knew that Alex was in recovery, and he was broken; slowly picking up his pieces, and he needed to be heard, and he needed to feel like he had a safe place to be; and then Justin realized he needed all that, too; maybe even more than Alex did.

They would talk about Jessica more than seemed commonly healthy; they would talk about what she would do for one and wouldn’t for the other; or about the things they thought they missed the most.

“Probably going to the Crestmont” A sad smile appeared on Alex’s face. “We would go most nights; sometimes we’d even watch two in a row, you know? Sneak some snacks into the movie, make jokes about the stories, refill our popcorn in the first ten minutes of the movie because we'd eat them during the ads, stay for the next one,”

Justin wondered why he had never gone to the movies with Jessica as often.

“But maybe she didn’t enjoy it as much as I did; maybe what I miss is having an excuse not to go alone, I guess”

“I think she used to do a lot of things just because we were the ones who liked them” Justin helped; thinking about all those times she’d hang out with the other jocks, just because they were Justin’s friends. Sometimes he’d forget Hannah and Alex were her original friends, not Bryce and Monty. How could they be.

“Yeah” Alex agreed. “Like that one song, do you remember that?” He asked Justin, probably smiling at the memory.

Justin remembered. It was not a fancy story about a glory moment starring either of them; it was more of a private joke only the two of them understood. “How can she not like that song?” Justin laughed out loud with Alex. “It’s fucking great”

“It’s fucking corny” Alex added, still laughing with Justin.

“But it’s fucking great!”

When Alex was still laughing, Justin found himself entering one of those moments where he felt like he didn’t care about anything else but that specific time; he felt bliss and lightness, and not even out of impulse, but out of pure blaze, he started singing the first lines of that song.

_I know that it’s gonna take some time, I got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind…_

He felt Alex’s head turn to face him almost as instantly, and before he could start to regret it or to feel ashamed of having started to sing that part, Alex had already joined him.

_That this might end up like it should…_

Both of them smiled as widely as they could’ve without breaking the song, and with exaggerated movements, they continued with the rest. _And I’m gonna say what I need to say, I hope to God that I don’t scare you away, I don’t wanna be misunderstood._ They barely noticed how some people were turning to look at them. _But I’m starting to believe, this could be the start of something good…_

When they stopped, both boys broke into laughter one more time. “You’re a horrible singer, Justin”

Justin faked an offended expression, but it soon, not even a second after, faded, as he continued to laugh.

When it ceased, and all that was left was the air and two smiling boys in an empty conversation, Alex spoke again.

“She always said,” He stopped. Justin knew Alex was unsure if it was okay to bring Jessica back into the conversation, but he wouldn’t dare judge him, since he’d probably do the same thing.

“She didn’t get the song” He finished.

“Too unrealistic for her liking” Justin helped him, using Jessica’s exact words.

“Yeah,”

“You know,” Justin came up out of nowhere, daring to change the topic and ask something bold. “If we stay here all day we’re just going to sit around waiting for bad news or something, we could go to the Crestmont, watch whatever on there, if you don’t have plans already for today”

“Hell, yes, I need that” Alex answered almost immediately, and then Justin noticed how he shifted his bad leg with his arms so he could attempt to stand up.

“What- you wanna go right now?” Justin asked, only surprised, not complaining.

“Yeah, you said it; we’re just sitting around, come on, help me up” Justin obeyed without disagreeing.

He stood up from the ground and patted his jeans a couple times to get rid of the death grass sticking to him, and then he stood in front of Alex, offering both arms for him to take. Alex took both his hands with his, and he pulled so he could stand easily. Justin had figured that hadn’t been the best technique, considering Alex wouldn’t have been able to stand using the same amount of force on both legs, but he helped anyway because he knew Alex was trying to push himself a bit more; and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to know if he was going to be able to do it.

Justin wanted to cheer when he saw that Alex was doing it with no issue, that he kind of almost let go of him for a second. Fortunately, he didn’t, but maybe Alex had felt like he was going to, because he slightly lost control of himself for a second. Luckily for the both of them, Alex held on to Justin as soon as he felt like he might fall, and Justin wrapped his arms around him and caught him just in time.

So, they were left hanging on to each other, completely taken aback by the lack of space between their bodies and the close distance of their faces to react.

The moment didn’t last more than a couple seconds, and that was because they were, sadly, interrupted.

But when their faces were inches apart, and Justin’s eyes had dramatically dropped to Alex’s lips, he hadn’t been able to look away.

He would’ve even been okay with blaming gravity if the direction of their lips hadn’t actually been against it. It all happened in a matter of fractions of a second; all those thoughts; the thought of Alex’s lips. How they looked so soft, and available for his, how much he had wanted to put his thumb on them to feel. Would it have been too much if he had leaned in just to touch his lips a little? Would it have been completely inappropriate?

Either way, Justin hadn’t even had time to accidentally try, because Clay had appeared behind them as soon as they stood up.

“Guys” He was panting, and his face seemed like he had just seen a ghost.

“It’s Tony, he had an accident in his car” And just as fast as he had run to them, he had disappeared, running back inside.

Justin and Alex both let go of each other, and they started to walk back inside the hospital; arms wrapped around each other for support, like before.

Justin continued like he normally would; pretending he hadn’t just felt the urge to kiss his friend, like he wasn’t suddenly more interested in spending the rest of the day with Alex than in finding out what had happened to Tony; like he hadn’t been left thinking about his lips all day. He acted like he didn’t want to accidentally touch his hand when they were at the Crestmont, like his smile didn’t light up whenever Alex laughed at the film.

Like he hadn’t just figured out it was possible he had a crush on Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten points to whomever knows the song they were singing :)


	3. Talk about your taste in women

Sometimes, Alex would sit on his bed and stare at his recovering-self with such anticipation for him to understand how his body would decide to work that day, or what surprises it would bring. Sometimes, he would only stare and think about whatever twisted business his mind wanted to relive.

During the first days of his recovery, he would queasily stare at the scar on his head while he held his locks of naturally-colored hair up with his hand; he wondered if he’d have to look at it for the rest of his life and feel the same way about it; but looking back, that didn’t seem as important anymore.

That scar would always be a mark; a brand; a reminder of one of the, possibly, darkest times in his life, but with the passing days, it was beginning to seem less intimidating to his eyes and less relevant to his persona; and lately, less outrageous. He had even cut his hair to the point it even looked like something he wanted to show; like something he wasn’t ashamed of; and, yeah, maybe he wasn’t ashamed of it anymore.

The point was, that as soon as he stopped dedicating his attention to his scar, he noticed how his mind began to run around other things he had probably been ignoring; like how much of a dork Clay Jensen was when Alex wasn’t feeding his guilt with more remorse, or how ridiculous his family looked when he stopped feeling sorry for himself and focused on their efforts to make him feel better. He appreciated it, and he was glad he had them, _but they looked ridiculous_.

Alex also began to stare at himself in the mirror, and he would wonder. He would try so hard to remember at what dim point he had stopped crying over Jessica. When had he gotten over her? When had it been that he thought of her and it didn’t hurt? Because he couldn’t tell.

When had it happened that he started thinking about _Justin_ instead?

Alex remembered the first time he had thought of Justin as a friend; as someone who was aching probably as bad as he was; as someone he could see becoming an important asset in his life, but he didn’t remember when _the other feelings_ had started to appear.

 

He remembered, a few months into Justin’s detox, Clay had asked everyone to be specifically ‘really nice’ to his brother, since he had googled aome of the symptoms of withdrawal; and feeling down and anxious was apparently one of them. At first, it was ridiculously cute; how everyone acted around the guy; “Hey, Justin, I know you already had dinner, but would you like a glass of milk?” ”Justin, do you want a turn with the TV? Here, pick whatever you want,” “Justin, aren’t you cold?”

Alex thought it was ridiculous, but at the same time, seeing how Justin reacted to those comments was something that would always bring a smile to his face; he always seemed so confused, and he would frown and narrow his eyes, but he would only respond with a soft “okay”, because Alex was sure the guy had no clue what was going on.

Eventually, he figured it out; and it took everyone by surprise because Justin had practically called an intervention, and he asked everyone to stop. Alex remembered how he used the phrase “Please, stop petting my hair; I’m not gonna whine like a puppy if someone says something rude to me”

So they stopped, and Alex could see how Justin breathed easier. In a way, he understood it; he had been there, having his family and everyone on top of him all the time, every second of the day, carrying his books, taking his arm, grabbing his waist, reaching out for things; all without even asking, and it drove him mad, so yeah, he understood. Nevertheless, it hurt; seeing it, because he knew that type of care could’ve been, not necessarily obnoxious, but too overwhelming, perhaps. Justin had never had people who cared for him like that; and maybe he felt pressured when he finally did.

 

One day, Clay and Sheri planned one of those private parties at his and Justin’s home, which had been agreed to being called “private” only because they were not inviting anyone who didn’t belong to their little cluster.

They had been talking all day about the schedule they had planned for the night; games, movies, music, beer, wine, vodka, alcohol… lots, and lots of alcohol, which was fine, because they were all friends anyway, and they said they needed a night off. The whole time they had been planning the night, Alex and Justin had stayed mostly quiet, and no one but them had exactly noticed it.

Justin would stare at Alex, structuring difficult questions with his eyes, which would be answered by Alex with the same force of telepathy. Both of them were on the same page; thinking about the same thing, but neither of them dared breaking it to their friends.

“Maybe we could play those new videogames we got” Zach suggested as enthusiastically as a ten-year-old would. “Clay’s got some cars, racing, not too violent things”

“Or,” Jessica intervened. “We could do that dancing game!” She was just as excited as Zach.

“Oh, yeah!” Sheri agreed.

Not even seconds after, both girls were chatting fanatically, but everyone else had begun to complain.

“No way, I ain’t dancing” Tony spoke for everybody else, earning some agreements and some more complaints.

Alex laughed, but he still remained silent; just like Justin.

For the first time, their lack of participation and eagerness was noticed. Clay had looked at the pair, and then decided to speak to Alex first. “Let’s have Alex decide, he hasn’t said anything” Everybody else noticed as well and turned to look at them. “Cars and races, or,” He made a dramatic pause, as if to leave it clear that he was not in favor of the second option. “Dancing”

Clay and the rest of the group waited for Alex to answer, but the boy only stared back and sighed.

“Actually, I think I’m gonna sit this one out”

“What? Alex, why?”

Before Alex could reply, he felt how Justin shifted next to him, and he added a comment of his own; “Yeah, me too”

Now the looks were not only on him, but on Justin as well. Clay’s eyes moved from one to the other. Everyone asked them why they’d pass on them, trying to get something out, but the more they spoke and complained, the less the boys could explain.

Luckily, Zach sat back and rested his body on the chair, making a _thud_ noise mixed with the defeated sigh that escaped his mouth. “Fuck”

All eyes were on Zach.

“We’re a bunch of shitheads” He explained the kindest way he could. “They can’t drink”

The moment of realization had been more comical in Alex’s eyes than sad or disappointing. He enjoyed for a second the way his friends were exchanging looks between each other and would offer Justin and Alex a pair of apologizing looks.

Sometimes Alex himself would forget that his body was still healing from the worst wounds he had ever exposed it to; and every rule he had possibly broken before, wouldn’t be so easily swept under the rug in this situation. Sometimes he would still agree to having a night to himself; a night where he could afford to be a reckless teenager with a bottle in his hand to lose himself for a few hours, and then regret everything in the morning; but he would always end up remembering he couldn’t do that anymore. He wasn’t sure if he ever would.

But he had been forced to forget and remember about so many things in so many occasions before, that it was hard to continue letting go.

And then, there was Justin, a guy who was in the difficult, raw process of detoxing. He wasn’t exactly an alcoholic, but he had given into something much worse, much more damaging, and he had let it consume him from the inside of his body and his emotions, and Alex didn’t know how that must’ve felt.

“Oh, shit” Clay sighed and closed his eyes.

“Yeah, we’re sorry, guys” Jessica continued. “We totally forgot, again”

“Let’s just scratch the drinks and stick to the movies and videogames instead” Zach added, and Alex could see the disappointment.

“No, you don’t have to do that” Alex assured the guy. “You always have to hold back for us, you deserve a night to yourselves”

It had taken both Alex and Justin a while to convince their friends to continue with their plans without them, but they did it. They only decided that next time, it would be them who planned everything, and everyone would be totally on board.

And Alex remembered; that had been the first time he felt close to Justin. When he was laying on his bed at ten at night, and the guy had popped into his head. Justin Foley was living with the Jensens now, and he was probably trapped in his room listening to his friends having fun outside, as he fought the urge to join them for a drink.

So, that night, Alex took his phone and texted Justin.

_Hey, Justin, are you home?_

It took him a while to answer, and Alex considered the possibility that the boy had already gone to sleep, so he settled his phone down next to him instead of staring at it until he received an answer.

After a couple minutes, he felt his whole bed vibrating, and he took his phone to see.

                _Hell, no._

_I don’t want to be there._

And then, Alex did what, if someone a few months back had told him he’d do, he wouldn’t have found it in himself; but it was then what made sense to do. Alex could very easily stay away from the temptation of drifting and drinking with his friends because he was not there to see it, but Justin was. Even worse, he couldn’t even stay put in his own home, because that’s where the bait laid; and Alex wondered if Justin felt like he was the one who was carrying those issues on his back; the whole point of Justin staying with the Jensen’s and being adopted by Clay’s parents was that he would never have to run away anymore; that he would never have to walk out in the middle of the night because things were too rough in the house.

That wasn’t exactly the situation; it was nowhere near comparison, but it still felt wrong that Justin had to stay away, just because he didn’t feel strong enough to resist the crowd.

                _Why don’t you come over?_

For a while, there was no answer. Alex didn’t know if it was because Justin was doing something really important and utterly interesting to answer, or if it was because he was so shocked to know what to type.

Maybe he did know why, so he added another text.

_Are you hungry, by any chance? I’m starving, but no one will agree to get pizza with me. Or bored? There’s a few movies I want to watch._

Feeling rather proud of his texting skills, he smiled at the phone, and was surprised when the three dots appeared quite quickly. He waited patiently at them to disappear, and he smiled again when he read the text.

                _You get the movies, I’ll get the pizza._

That had been the first time in a long, long time since Alex and Justin had hung out by themselves and had done things other than crying and discussing the related topics, being Hannah, Jessica, scars, drugs, between others. And it had been the first time Alex had seen Justin as a friend, and not someone who just happened to be there at the wrong time and the wrong day with him.

He’d never forget how his dad smiled at the both of them when he saw Justin walking into his home at almost eleven at night with a box of freshly baked pizza as his son climbed down the stairs and almost carried him to his bedroom.

That night had been nothing special; they ate the whole box of pizza, they played videogames, talked about random unrelated things, watched the beginning of a lot movies because none of them was interesting enough until Justin let Alex choose one, and they watched less than half because they were both dead tired and had no idea what was going on in the film. Alex had noticed how Justin had begun to act uneasy and anxious when they called it a night; knowing Justin was probably thinking Alex would send him home, but Alex’s plan had all along been to invite Justin to stay over; only because he knew staying with Clay would not be that great. He complained about how hot his room could be at night at that time of year, so he threw a thin blanket over Justin, saying it’d be best to sleep with that, but “If you get too cold, you can get into the bed”

In that way, that night had been nothing special at all. If they slept on the same bed and he hadn’t thought about it as an inconvenience; if they had brushed legs or arms during the night and he had barely noticed, or if he had been able to smell Justin’s lotion when they got too close; and none of it had felt like a big deal back then. _Back then_.

 

It had become a usual thing for them, not the being abandoned by their friends for a pair of tequila bottles part, if anything, they had stopped involving alcohol and other tempting stuff into their group hangouts; but the spending time together, hanging out during the day and staying over at each other’s places some nights-part. Alex understood why Justin had become an important person in his life. How else was he supposed to think of a person he spent most of his time with?

Peter had once asked his brother about Justin, and Alex had wondered why he, and mostly everyone else, thought of it so delicately. Why was everyone thinking it was such a big deal?

“What do you talk about with that guy?” Peter had once asked; right after he was done rambling about Justin being a “classic jock” and Alex being a “classic fake jock”, and them having nothing in common when it came to being real and hanging out outside the group. “Your taste in women?”

 

Sometimes, Alex would bring Justin along to his physical therapy, mostly because the kid had nothing else to do, but sometimes, he’d get in the water with Zach and help Alex with his activities.

Alex remembered the time Justin had called him and asked if he could accompany him to his circle. At first, he had had no idea what he was talking about, and he felt bad when Justin had to explain it.

Justin had explained how “drug recovery” programs were different from “alcohol recovery”; since he had gone to some with his mom when he was very young, but only once or twice since his mom used to say they were _bullshit_ and _they didn’t know what they were talking about_. However, his program was mainly a series of meetings which consisted in lectures and presentations about the dangers and the effects of the substance abuse, which was fine by Justin because he would just sit there and listen, but there had come the time where they had called a circle, instead of a meeting, in which they said their names, they said how long they had been using, and they talked about their situation. And Justin was terrified. He had told Alex how he had asked Clay to go with him, but he had been busy and told him to stiff it up and go by himself, but Justin couldn’t bring himself to do it, so he asked Alex to go with him. to 

The first circle he went to with him, he noticed how his leg wouldn’t stop shaking, and he looked like he wanted to leave his chair and leave the room running in a flash, so Alex placed his hand on his knee in hopes it would make him stop, which it did, and Alex held on to him for the rest of the meeting.

The second time he asked Alex to go, Alex wasn’t surprised at all; nor the third, the fourth, the fifth…

He knew Justin’s recovery, in a way, was harder than his own, because leaving the drug meant he would crave it, and Alex didn’t crave doing what he had done. Therefore, Alex was right in believing all days in Justin’s detox wouldn’t be as pretty.

 

The current morning Alex had woken up and stared at himself in the mirror, and wondered why Justin’s eyes were so bright, and how they made a perfect match with his smile, he went on to a rather common, unsurprising, bland day. Most of his friends were out of town, since they were in winter break and some had gone with their families somewhere nice; his parents hadn’t wanted to risk it, and had decided to stay; they could still do fun stuff in the city.

Alex had texted with Justin, who had stayed in town as well with his new family, but he had said he was busy with “stuff” and “school things”, which they normally did together; but Alex figured Justin wanted to have a day off to himself, so he left it alone; the guy was allowed to be by himself as well.

Nonetheless, when the night hit, and his phone rang as he was about to get inside his bed, he knew something was up.

He answered Justin’s call, and when he didn’t get an answer, he repeated his name.

“ _Justin?_ ”

Justin wouldn’t respond; and Alex was beginning to freak out.

“Justin, what the hell?”

Hearing Justin starting to cry on the other line was not what he wanted to hear, but it meant he was there, so that was better than nothing.

“Justin, what happened?”

A few more cries later, the only thing that came from the guy was a sad, deep sigh, and he had then said with a hopeless tone in his voice; “Can you pick me up?”

That was the time when Alex got dressed again with the clothes he had worn that day, got out of his house, started the engine and drove. Alex had asked where he was, but Justin said he didn’t know. Alex had freaked out at first; mostly because he had no idea what was going on, but he soon came to realize that maybe, and only maybe, but quite possibly; Justin had relapsed.

On the way to Justin, even when he had no idea where he was going, the guy kept calling him; which only made Alex more nervous, but even then, he thought it was sort of adorable; and he felt so guilty for thinking that way; because the guy had possibly ruined months of efforts with a single slip up.

“Justin, tell me what you see”

“I don’t know- a trashcan, a tree, cars,”

“That’s not very helpful, dude, come on, look around”

“Uh, Alex, I don’t know”

“Come on, Justin, look around”

“Okay- uhm” Justin let out a few last sobs. “I think I’m in front of a tall building, a few windows are broken, there’s a park, but there’s no one there”

“Justin, do you see any signs?”

“I only see the sign for the theater, it says it’s a mile away”

Alex had never been to that place before, but he knew; he knew where Justin was. He set the GPS in his car, and he attached his phone to his car so he could answer to Justin’s calls automatically without the danger of causing an accident or getting himself a ticket for talking on the phone as he drove.

“Alex, I’m sorry”

“Alex, come pick me up, don’t drive back to your house”

“Justin, why would I leave you there?

It didn’t take long for Alex to arrive to the naughty neighborhood. Never been visited; never even been thought about; but he felt like he knew it; and he hated it for it. The town was ugly, uncared for, it looked like it served as the hideout of a mass of criminals, and it looked like it held so many secrets that it was breaking down by the second; like if a thousand earthquakes had happened in the last week.

It has Justin’s old neighborhood. More specifically; Justin’s biological mother’s neighborhood.

As he arrived, he came closer with the sight of Justin sitting on the stairs of the tall building he had mentioned. His face was looking down at his hands; like if he weren’t awake, he might fall onto his face and break something. Alex approached the guy carefully and stopped the car. He took the keys with him, opened the door and took a skip to get out of the car with his good leg. When he closed the door, Justin lifted his gaze to look at the guy who was limping, without a cane, straight to him.

Alex came closer to him, and when he saw that Justin wasn’t saying anything, he sat down next to him on the stairs. Alex didn’t count the seconds they stayed like that; in silence, without looking at each other, probably shivering because of the night air, but he knew that there were too many of those silent seconds.

When they finally broke the silence, Alex was the first one to speak.

“So, what happened?” He turned his head so he could face Justin, but the guy wouldn’t do the same. Instead, he noticed how Justin opened the zipper of his sweatshirt, slid his hand inside it, and took a piece of cloth, which was clearly wrapping something, and handed it to Alex.

He didn’t want to open it; afraid of what he might see; because, deep down, he thought he knew. But he did it anyway. He took the cloth with both hands and he rested it on his lap, unfolded each side of the wrap carefully, until all the items laid there in front of him like a catalog.

There was a needle, and the syringe…

“Where did you get these?” Alex asked slowly as he wrapped the stuff back up.

“I know some people” Justin answered with a shame Alex had never heard in him.

“I’m going to throw this away, okay?” Alex looked at Justin before he stood up, and the guy only nodded a few times before he proceeded to look at the ground. At that, Alex stood up the way he could, holding onto the rail, and he let the package fall into one of the dumpsters; the sound it made when it fell was almost as inaudible a small animal roaming around, so it could’ve very easily passed unnoticed.

Limping, he made his way back to Justin, who was now looking at him fully. As soon as he sat down, Justin spoke to him. Somehow, his voice was way much steadier than it was on the phone; almost like if Justin hadn’t even been affected at all.

“I’m sorry for making you come all the way here, with your leg and all”

“Hey, don’t be sorry, my leg is almost fine, and, I don’t know if you remember, but we made a deal, right? I call you if I need you and you call me if you need me”

Justin smiled. “Yeah” He looked back down at his hands. “Thank you”

“Don’t mention it”

Alex looked around, and he looked at Justin, who wasn’t looking at him, and then back at the neighborhood, his car, which looked very solitary and vulnerable all the way over there…

“Hey, come on, I’ll take you home” Alex stood from the dirty steps, and patted his jeans a few times to get rid of the dust.

Justin quickly raised his gaze to Alex, and started to speak like he was on the verge of madness. “No, don’t take me home, please, I don’t want Clay or his parents to see me like this”

Alex hesitated for a second. “Okay, then, calm down” He tried to reassure the guy. “I’m taking you to my house then, but I really want to get out of here”

Justin looked at Alex, and he nodded. He took Alex’s offering hand and stood up.

“Wait,” Justin pulled on Alex’s shirt before he could continue walking to his car. Alex turned around and faced the boy, expecting to see or hear something from him.

“I didn’t do it,” He began “I didn’t shoot up, I just wanted you to know that”

Alex eyes widened.

“I wanted to, but I didn’t, and I started freaking out, and I don’t even know how I ended up here, and then I just called you”

Alex looked at him. Up and down.

It was weird, but Alex had come to notice that when Justin was at his best; cocky, confident, put-together, lined up-self, he had this certain shine, which at any other given moment of his life, he would’ve found completely arrogant, but now it was fun and contagious. However, when he was at his worst, like that night; with his puffy eyes ready to burst, dark circles under them, his posture twisted like he wanted to curl up in ball, and his hair messy and pointing at three different directions at the same time; there was a tad of vulnerability that Alex loved.

It’s not like he enjoyed watching Justin falling apart; he loved watching every piece of Justin he could get.

And he couldn’t really understand why.

“I just don’t want you to think that I haven’t kept my promise, that I was getting better with you,”

Alex felt like even his good leg was giving up on him.

“But I am, I want to keep getting better with you, I just, almost made a mistake, and I’m sorry-”

Alex kept looking at Justin as he spoke, but when he saw that the guy had begun to ramble and it seemed as if he was about to cry, he couldn’t hold it anymore, and he leaned in, and he took Justin’s hair with his good hand, and he pulled him into a tight hug.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay”

Alex felt how his friend had decided it was okay to start crying on his shoulder. He felt the tears damping his shirt, and he felt Justin’s hands digging into the fabric of his back like claws.

How the hell had he come to care so much about the guy?

Alex dropped both of his arms to Justin’s torso, and the sensation of hugging Justin at the time was almost- sad. He wondered if Justin had actually become thinner than himself. Alex felt like he wanted to hold him forever; like he wanted to protect him from all evil and all danger, but at the same time, he also believed in Justin as the person who would do the same for him.

And sometimes he would think of him in other ways. Like those other times.

However, at the time, Alex couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than to lead the kid back to his car and to bring him home with him. That night, Alex would probably stare at Justin’s face as he slept, and he would probably look at his lips as he talked to him; but Alex wouldn’t dare kiss them; regardless of the tight force he felt every time he looked at them; it was just not a good time.

And probably that next morning, Alex would wake up, and he would stare at himself in the mirror, and he would think about Justin’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who's been reading this story! I know I don't get to hear from all of you, but I appreciate your support :)


	4. Learn to love in motel rooms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry this took so long! I underestimated the length of this chapter. Anyway, I still hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

The second time Justin had been drawn to Alex’s lips; the second time he had pulled back; the second time Alex had saved him from a sticky situation; the first time Justin felt hopelessly devoted to Alex; the last time Justin dared do something so stupid.

After the Jensens adopted him and made him part of their little family, he started to discover new things he didn’t know existed; like the fact that having family meals was a thing, and that it was specially important to his new mom, given all those times she would prepare a big, healthy breakfast, and Justin would be the first one to sit down at the table, because _he still couldn’t get used to waking up to that smell_ , but she’d have a hard time making Clay wake up every once in a while, and Justin could see in her face how much it annoyed her.

He also learned that living with a caring family made a lot of things fairly easier; somehow, everything felt softer, smoother, even safer. He felt like a new person, without letting go of the person he used to be; if that made any sense.

To him, it felt like he could bring all the tough and hurtful lessons he had learned into his new life, and he could keep those traits inside of him, latent, ready to bloom when needed; but in the meantime, he could walk on sugar clouds and sleep of fluffy mattresses. And it worked fine.

One thing he knew for sure, was that he felt completely grateful. What would’ve happened to him if he hadn’t been adopted? Where would he be now? He knew that he’d be most likely living in a group home, with six or seven other teens who were as fucked up as him, or maybe even more, because no other houses would take them. He’d have to do chores with those other kids, he’d have to cook, wake up and go to bed at an established hour, he’d be be disconnected from the internet and the outside world, all without talking to someone who truly cared for him. He’d have to talk about his feelings and his secrets with those kids, and he’d refuse, and he’d get punished.

He’d be constantly reminded that he was a lost cause, and that there was no one left who wanted him. And perhaps, when he turned 18, he’d be asked to leave, and he’d have to confront the streets one more time, and he’d end up exactly the same way as he was when Clay and Tony went to get him; or even worse, like his mother.

The important thing was that Justin had been saved just in time, and he had been put in a different, better, path for him to continue growing, and getting better, and _that_ he was grateful for.

Justin remembered a time Lainie had come up to Justin one day, around three in the afternoon, as he had settled on the couch with a blanket wrapped around him, a bowl of popcorn, chips and other kinds of candy mixed together, and the remote next to him. She had asked kindly if the guy had any plans for the day, if he was going to hang out with anyone; she mentioned a few names she knew meant something to Justin, but he had denied all of them.

Clay; he had been hanging out with Tony all week, and Justin had refused to join because he always felt like a third wheel, Zach; he had been training extra hard, and Justin wasn’t sure he even liked basketball that much to begin with, and he didn’t enjoy being pushed around and yelled at when they played. Jessica; it had been months since the last time they hung out by themselves, and it wasn’t like they didn’t get along anymore, it only happened that they hadn’t had much to talk about lately. Alex; oh, he was hanging out with him later… Therefore, that day, his mom had suggested taking him to a center for young kids in similar situations as Justin’s, and he had agreed.

That day he learned that a very high percentage of kids who are adopted try to reach out to his biological families, even when their adoptive one is as sweet and safe as anyone could dream of. Justin knew that his case was different, he was adopted, yeah, but he was old enough to understand most things kids didn’t, and he had met his biological family all too well; more that he would’ve preferred to.

He knew he would never go back to that family; he knew he would never feel the curiosity to know _what If_ , to know if his other mom had changed; if she had gotten better; if she had managed the redeem herself and to build a better life; if she felt bad about what had happened… if he wanted Justin back. He knew he’d never think about that.

Well, he _thought_.

 

He remembered what it felt like the first time she reached out to him; or, when he thought she did.

It had been a bit strange; how everything had started.

 

A couple months before going back to school for their senior year, Justin had received an unexpected call from Alex’s dad, who was somehow, weirdly excited. He had asked Justin how he felt about a surprise birthday party for Alex.

Justin thought it was a great idea; the boy deserved all the nice things he could get, and more. However, his first thought after being contacted by his dad had been of pure tenderness; Justin had been the _first_ person he asked; and it made him feel like his chest was going to burst into confetti.

He noticed how Alex’s birthday had never been a big deal until that year; when they spent time together, and when they actually _liked_ each other. _Okay, well_ , Justin had always liked Alex, even when the whole thing with Jessica and _the whole thing with Jessica_ 2.0 happened; but they had never been real friends, not even when they used to spend time with Bryce and his group of oppressive evil munchkins.

But now they were. He didn’t know If he would call him his best friend, because it didn’t entirely feel like so. Zach was most likely to be under that label; the guy had helped through some of his other darker times as well, and he had been for most of their past days, where they thought they had it all figured out; when they thought they’d thrive because they were friends with Bryce and they could do whatever the hell they wanted. With Zach he had talked about girls; _hot_ and _not_ girls, sports, school-

With Alex, he had never, ever, talked about sports, let alone school as a playground, and, girls; they only talked about one; and neither of them had mentioned her more than once in a day in the last weeks.

But with Alex-

With _him_ ; he didn’t need to talk about those things; they had never seemed to appear naturally in conversation, although a lot other things had. Justin had shared more random, embarrassing things, problems, and dilemmas with the boy. He had accidentally opened up to him, and he didn’t feel like there was any chance of going back once he had started to pour his heart out, and because Alex listened, he continued.  Eventually, he realized he probably didn’t want to stop.

Because Alex never judged. Alex never asked him shut up. Alex never told him to stop whining and act like a man. Alex always cared, and he always _stayed_ when things got too rough; and Justin admired than about him more than anything.

Justin didn’t know if he’d consider Alex his best friend, but there were so many things he knew were too strong to be simple friendship, and he didn’t know how it worked. Either way, Alex was probably his closest friend now; and it felt strange having to think about the boy’s birthday with such anticipation, instead of just another excuse to party and get wasted. Not like he could do _that_ anymore, anyway.

 

In the beginning of May, Alex’s dad had organized the most adorable surprise birthday party Justin had ever seen, including the ones he had seen on TV. For a complete week, the man had called Justin on his cellphone, and sother people too, to let them know what things were going to look like, ask for opinions and give everyone their roles for the big day.

That whole week had been a major rollercoaster. On one side, the excitement of organizing Alex’s party and doing everything behind his back, always imagining the face he’d make when he entered the room. Everybody had given so many ideas, and everybody agreed to help with whatever they had been asked to. The fact that everybody cared that much about Alex filled Justin’s heart with joy.

Nevertheless, Justin couldn’t help but feel jealous- or sad- or angry; he couldn’t really tell. He wondered why he had been destined to be born in a family that didn’t love him, when others were living their lives on the limit and people still held out theirs hands for them to take.

He loved that Alex’s dad loved his son, but he hated that his own had never even tried.

Still, he intended not to think about that too much; he knew it was a thing of the past, and even if he thought about it too strongly, it still wouldn’t change. Therefore, he decided it was time to fully concentrate on the one thing he didn’t want to mess up; Alex. _Alex’s birthday_ , he meant.

Clay had been the one in charge of the music. Better said, Tony was, and Clay was only there to approve. Jessica and Ryan were asked to work on the decoration of the house; Alex’s dad asking her, and Ryan complaining every time he saw Jessica’s ‘Happy Birthday’ sign, and again, Jessica asking him to try and do better if he could.

Alex’s dad had said he and his wife would work on the food, since they knew what Alex liked, and secretly, they still wanted to add their two cents of vitamins and healthy ingredients, although they had agreed to allow Zach and Sheri bring the drinks, as long as everything stayed friendly, healthy and legal.

And Justin, as everyone had somehow assumed would be, was in charge of keeping Alex away until it was time, which wasn’t great difficult task, since they already spent most of their time together, either way.

Justin remembered how desperate he must’ve sounded the day of Alex’s birthday, when he called him and asked him to come over to his place so he could say _happy birthday_ in person. Alex had laughed, and Justin found himself too distracted by the guy’s raspy, sleepy, morning voice.

“Thanks Justin”

_Oh god. That voice._

“But my parents are taking me for breakfast, and I can’t say no, you know, that’d be weird”

Justin wasn’t sure if that had been part of the plan all along, or if his parents were improvising, or adding onto the list they wanted to do without the help of any kids, or if it was just something that was already implied, because, well, they were his family; and Justin didn’t know how that worked.

“Oh” Justin reacted way too honestly; like he didn’t know how to react. “And what time are you gonna be done?”

“Geez, Justin” Alex laughed again from the other line. “Possessive much?”

Justin still hadn’t known how to react or what to say, so he just stuttered a “N-no”, which made Alex laugh even more.

“Look, maybe you can come with me and my parents, if you can get ready in like point five minutes cause they’re already yelling at me, and then we can do whatever you want”

 

When Justin arrived at Alex’s, he wasn’t sure how his dad would react, since none of that had been part of the original plan; but he kept winking at him through the car ride and the breakfast over the table, and Justin only wished his discomfort wouldn’t show, and that Alex’s dad would be a lot smoother.

Alex’s family took both kids to one of, supposedly, Alex’s favorite restaurants, which seemed the kind of thing parents would pull off when they refused to believe their kids weren’t 5 years old anymore. The restaurant had been the classic ice-cream parlor style, with _eat as much as you can_ competitions and overdramatic decoration and wallpaper. It was that kind of place that brings a tiny cake and a group of people in childish costumes to sing in front of the birthday kids. When it happened, Alex’s face had been priceless, and Justin wished he had taken a picture.

He knew he was embarrassed, and that Alex would’ve probably preferred to stay home and have breakfast with his family in a more discrete way, but the guy would never dare sink his parent’s hope. Justin wondered how he could be such a good person.

As planned, when they finished breakfast, Justin intended to take Alex to his home, but despite knowing that Alex’s parents would allow him to, he still felt nervous about asking for permission, especially because his dad had already changed the plans of the day and it wasn’t even eleven yet.

“Hey, uhm, Mr. Standall?” Justin put his napkin down nervously. “I was wondering if I could steal Alex for a while”

Alex’s dad widened his eyes, and Justin wasn’t even sure if he was acting or not.

“But it’s his birthday, we want to be with our boy” He patted Alex’s shoulder.

Justin had never been more confused and nervous at the same time. Why was Alex’s dad making this too difficult? None of that had been part of the plan.

“Oh, I know” Justin tried not to stutter. “But I,” He stopped, because he had no idea what to say. “I just- wanted to, uhm, give him my- present”

Justin tried hard not to bury his face in his hands in embarrassment.

Alex’s dad pretended, or at least Justin hoped he had, to stare at him in distrust. Justin felt like an unworthy teenager asking his crush’s dad permission to take them out. His dad sighed and rolled his eyes. “Okay”

Justin smiled nervously, and when he turned to look at Alex, he saw the guy was smiling widely at him, and then Justin remembered why he was putting himself in that embarrassing situation in the first place; and being emotionally attacked by Alex’s dad was suddenly not so bad.

When Alex and Justin got up and left the restaurant, he looked back to Alex’s dad, who winked and made a _thumbs up_ sign. Justin couldn’t hide the sigh of relief.

 

Hanging out with Alex all day was no difficult task; they did it all the time either way. They stayed in Justin’s room for a while, then they played videogames with Clay for a complete hour. They would’ve easily made that two or three, or four hours, if it hadn’t been because Clay had to _casually_ pay Tony a visit. “What’s with the _Tony, Tony, Tony_ , lately?” Alex would always point out. Justin never had never had an answer, until that day, but he was not going to say a thing. It was funny, the day he had material to answer one of Alex’s questions, the day he couldn’t show off.

After a while, they decided to go for a walk, which was nothing different from their usual routine, since soon after Alex had lost his cane, his doctor had suggested daily walks and constant activity; which Alex hated, hence walking with Justin was the way to go.

When they walked together, Alex would sometimes need to hold on to Justin if he got too worn out or if he felt his leg beginning to act up, and Justin didn’t mind at all. In fact, he would let Alex hold his arm or his hand whenever he felt like it, and he would even offer to give him an arm around his waist for extra support if he wanted. Justin felt like he could’ve done that all day.

If was safe to say that when it was time to take Alex to his surprise, he had practically forgotten, and when Clay called him to see what was taking so long, he hoped Alex hadn’t noticed how he jumped a little from the bed when he realized he was supposed to take Alex home.

“Hey, Alex-” Justin began. “Do you have plans for the night?”

Alex smirked. “Well, probably whatever you’re about to ask me to do”

Justin threw him a breathless laugh.

“Well-”

Justin’s lame excuse to take the guy back to his home was probably one of the most stupid things he had ever said, but Alex still went with it and agreed; and when they arrived and Alex opened the door and everybody screamed _surprise_ , Justin’s eyes had been glued to Alex’s face the whole time; ready to capture every single movement.

“Surprise!”

“Oh, what?” Alex’s smile spread from side to side as he slowly made his way inside.

 

Alex’s party had turned out just as he had expected; terribly cheesy and emotional, but undoubtedly fun.  Everything had resulted in Alex sharing some of his wonderful smiles and laughs, and Justin was glad he could see those. Everyone had been so helpful, and everything had been really nice. Justin liked that he had been part of that; but he really had to give most credit to his parents, because they had gone trough all the trouble of, first, organizing a secret party, and second, put up with trying to put a group of teenagers in order. That’s how much they cared.

Just as Alex’s parents had requested, the party had stayed completely free of alcohol, smoke and any other substances of the sort, but it had still managed to end around two in the morning; way after his parents had decided they couldn’t stay awake for much longer, but they’d leave the kids to continue.

Before they officially called it a night, Clay told Justin he’d be driving with Tony to take Sheri and Jessica home, and that the guy would probably drive him home as well, so, if he wanted to go home, too, he’d have to leave just then. But the truth was, that even when they were pretty much battling to stay awake, he found himself enjoying the time with his friends as they sat on the couch and laughed at the nonsense they provided to each other, so he refused by asking Alex if he could just spend the night at his place, who didn’t even flinch or move a different muscle when he agreed.

Zach had also asked Alex if he could stay, since he was feeling too tired to drive and he didn’t want to call his mom in the middle of the night; so, when everything ended, the three of them climbed up to Alex’s room; still laughing and pushing each other on the way upstairs.

As soon as Alex opened his door, Zach began to complain about how tired he was, so he just threw himself to the couch in the room and started mumbling something about the great party Alex had had.

Laughing at him, the other two boys slowly walked to Alex’s bed and let themselves fall on top of it.

“So,” Justin asked, as he turned to his side and rested his head on his arm so he could be supported securely when he looked down at Alex, who was plainly laying there, facing the ceiling with his eyes closed.

“What did you think?”

Alex opened one eye before the other, and threw Justin a teasing smile. “About what?”

“About your party,” Justin pushed him slightly to show him he was being foolish, and when Alex laughed at it, Justin did, too.

“It was great, really fun” Alex responded simply.

Justin tilted his head to the side as much as his side position allowed him to. “That’s it? Great and fun?”

“Well-” Alex began.

“Did it work? Did we surprise you? Did you expect it at all?” Justin cut him off instead.

Alex stared at him again with the same teasing smile. “Well,”

“Well, what?”

“It was not, exactly a surprise”

Justin widened his eyes, not having expected that answer at all. He left his previous resting position and opted for sitting down properly on the bed. “Wait, what?”

Alex sighed and sat up like Justin so they could speak face to face. “My dad is not exactly subtle. And you guys were a little weird all week; and this morning-” He left that last part in the air; because Justin knew exactly what that meant. For a second, he relieved the embarrassment and the nervousness he had been trough that morning with Alex’s dad.

Justin looked down with something like a sad smile. Knowing that Alex had known, or at least, suspected about the party all along shot him in disappointment; mostly because he thought he had been cautious, but maybe, he had actually been too overexcited.

“But, hey” Alex spoke when he saw Justin’s face. “It was still a great present, and I appreciate it a lot”

Justin gave him a soft half-smile, and then he proceeded to hit him with one of his pillows, causing him to smile widely, the kind of smiling Justin melted for, and he leaned back to resume his lying position. Justin followed right after as he held the pillow he had used to hit him with his arms, hugging it.

A few moments of silence went by; Justin staring down at his hands as he laid on the pillow, and Alex probably looking at the ceiling again.

Justin had barely noticed, though; the sleepiness was beginning to get too heavy for him to handle, but then, Alex spoke, and he wondered if he had accidentally fallen asleep at some point.

“I think Zach is dead” He lifted his head up a little to see him behind Justin.

Justin suddenly found himself focusing on the light snoring coming from the couch behind him, so he turned himself around as he still laid on the bed to look at Zach, who was still splattered across the length of the sofa, the same way he was when he first landed there.

After taking a quick glance at the guy, he removed his pillow from under him and placed it under his head, so he could fully rest in a more appropriate sleeping position. Alex followed him, as he adjusted his own pillows under him. For a while, they both stayed there, Justin’s eyes lingering onto Alex’s, without speaking a single breath.

Looking into Alex’s eyes in the dark; Justin found them completely obligatory to be stared at; the way he blinked heavily, but the way his eyes were still fixed on Justin when they opened again. Justin could think about nothing else but that. Maybe it was how tired he was, and how disconnected he felt from his energy, but he could’ve sworn he felt completely at ease by just staring at those eyes, and he wouldn’t need anything else in the world. Everything he needed was right there in front of him, and he felt like floating, weightless, easy.

And when Alex’s right hand made its way to Justin’s face and it touched his skin, Justin wondered if it was possible he’d disappear. Alex’s fingers were soft and light against his cheek, and the way they softly traced some uneven patterns around his face made if hard for Justin not to close his eyes at that instant and fall into a relaxing sleep, but he still decided to look into Alex’s eyes.

After a few seconds of that magnificent touch, Alex’s thumb brushed across Justin’s lips, soft and gentle, barely pressing down; and it had started to bring Justin back into consciousness. Alex was touching his lips, and now he was looking down at Alex’s own, and he was starting to wonder… But then Alex slid his finger into Justin’s nose, which made him flinch away as they both laughed.

“Alex” Justin complained as he turned back to face the guy, who was still laughing in his tiredness.

“Let’s just go to sleep,” Alex added. “I can barely keep my eyes open” He continued with his eyes closed, which made Justin smile.

“Okay, yeah” Justin let out one last laugh before he finally settled down into a position he could fall asleep on, and once again, the silence came into the room; the only sound being Zach’s light snoring, which was, in fact, more lulling than annoying, but very quickly, right before he allowed the sleep consume him, he found a little bit of energy left, and he opened his mouth to say the one next thing. “Alex”

The boy didn’t respond with words; instead he answered with a “mh”, inviting Justin to proceed.

“Happy birthday” Justin whispered with his eyes closed and his mind almost in blank. He heard Alex let out a breath in the shape of a laugh, and with a very heavy, raspy voice, he answered.

“Thank you, Jus”

 

The next morning, he woke up to the sound of footsteps and drawers being opened and closed behind Alex’s room door. He rolled over on the bed, and was not surprised when he found it hard to do; heavy and still with the weight of Alex’s arm on top of him. As soon as he shifted on the mattress, Alex felt the loss of heat and took his arm off from Justin’s torso.

Justin looked over to where Zach had fallen asleep the night before, and wasn’t surprised at all to find him exactly in the same position. After rubbing some of the tiredness from his eyes, he searched on top of the counter next to the bed for his phone.

He unlocked it to look at the hour; 9 a.m; and before he could lay his phone back down he noticed he had a few text messages from Clay, so he swiped the bar and got to read them.

                _Justin, what time are you coming home?_

_Are you coming home?_

_Are you staying with Alex tonight?_

_Is it over already?_

Every text had a gap of about twenty minutes between them, but the last one had been sent around the same time he had dozed off at night.

                _Just come early tomorrow morning or my mom is going to freak!_

Justin sighed and growled at the same time, remembering he had never actually told his parents he’d be staying over at Alex’s, and they were probably worried. He had been having too much fun all day and had been too invested in the surprise, he had practically forgotten there was more than _Alex_.

He got up from the bed, slowly stretching his arms and passing his hands trough his messy pillow hair. He reached down to find his shoes and begun to put them on with little success, since he realized they were not going to fit if he didn’t undo the laces first.

“Where are you going?” Alex called from his site on the bed. His voice was still an early morning rasp, and he was not doing any efforts to try and get up.

“I need to go home, just to let Lainie and Matt I’m okay, since I forgot to call” He finished putting on both his shoes, so he stood up and turned around to face Alex; the boy who was still laying on the bed with half his face buried on the end of the pillow, eyes still shut. Justin took half a second to stare.

“But I’ll be back later”

Alex huffed in his inability to move. “Okay”

Justin smiled at the guy and threw one pillow at him before he left the room, and the house right after.

 

_It had been a bit strange; how everything had started._

When Justin arrived home that morning, he jogged to the front door, and before he opened it, he looked down at the ground, where there was a small package wrapped in newspaper. _Old-school-vintage_ , or _lack of wrapping paper_?

At first, he had thought it was a package for the Jensens, since they were always receiving stuff in the mail like that one in front of him. He bent down and took it with both hands so he could hand it in as soon as he entered his house. He turned it around a couple of times to check for a card or a letter, something. He had believed it belonged to the Jensens, until he saw his name.

_Justin’s_ name. Written on the back of the wrap.

His eyes widened at the sight of his name in that nasty paper wrapping; who could have sent him that? More importantly, what was it that was inside?

Staring at the mystery in his hands, a strange feeling of _déjà vu_ hit him in the chest; he felt like if he didn’t drop the package in that moment he might have thrown up. He remembered how it felt when he received Hannah’s box of tapes and how hard it had been to hear his name for the first time.

 

He held his delivery in his hands and stormed inside the house. He greeted his parents and ran up the stairs and into his room. Once there, he looked at the wrapped object for a few more minutes; debating between opening or not.

Eventually, he realized he would have to open it, sooner or later; so he did it.

He had been utterly confused. The newspaper wrapping seemed to be hiding something secretive; important. For a moment, he thought it was an evil joke; someone placing a bottle, or a pill, or a needle with a nasty note; like it had been happening last year; but when he took off all the paper, and all he saw was a _postcard_ , part of him felt dumb for always anticipating the worst, the other half felt nothing but relieved.

The postcard didn’t have anything in it; nothing other than Justin’s name and the image of a rain forest on the back. How was he supposed to know who it belonged to? How was he going to know what it meant?

When his mind began playing tricks, telling him it could only be a certain someone, he felt like he was being deceived by his own emotions, like he wanted to believe things that weren’t true-

But there was still that side of his body that screamed, that suggested in painful heartbeats-

That maybe, and just maybe, it could’ve been Amber. _Justin’s other mom_.

At the time, he didn’t feel as bad and stupid as he was about to in a couple of days. The pain to come had just started.

 

For a while, Justin didn’t think about the postcard; it was sort of meaningless, if he was being honest. It was a piece of paper with no remitter; no address, no message, no instructions; nothing. It didn’t mean a thing.

At least, in didn’t matter as much as he thought; as much as he let it.

How was he supposed to feel when there was no clue about what it meant?

 

The day he started to think about it more than before, was the day he received the second postcard. It had been another cold morning, getting out of the house in his sleeping clothes with the trash bag in his hand, ready to be put away, when he saw it; the same newspaper wrapping with the same handwriting on the back of it; still, _Justin’s_ name.

We ran to his room, just like before. That time, he didn’t wait to open the package; he just did it, ripping all the sticky newspaper and throwing it to the floor.

He stared at the image of the city building he held in his hands, studied it. A few seconds later, he flipped it over to look at the other side.

He read his name at the top of the paper, and his eyes widened in shock when he saw that this time, the new postcard had something written. Still, just like before, he kept the postcard under his bed, threw the newspaper away and did nothing about it. However, this time, it was everything he could think about.

                                                                                              _I miss you, son._

 

Justin knew he had been acting stranger than he ever had; mostly because everyone around him had started to pick up on it. Justin probably wouldn’t have noticed if his friends and his family hadn’t said anything about it.

Lainie had worried about her adopted son every morning and every night; she asked if he was alright, if everything was okay. She offered extra breakfast, lunch, and dinner; and asked if there was anything he needed. Matt had asked if he was feeling sick, or if he wanted to go for a run to clear up a bit.

Clay had confronted him and asked if he had surrendered and gone back to injecting heroin in his arm, his foot, or any other part of his body.

Zach and Tony tried to get him back into sports; Zach continued to try and persuade Justin into getting into the program he had smoothly rejected the last time he had been offered, and Tony wouldn’t stop rambling about how much boxing had helped him when he was down.

And Justin had rejected all offers of help, because he was so focused on those stupid postcards. It felt like listening to Hannah’s tapes and seeing Zach’s polaroids all over again; always nervous, always on edge.

This time was different, though. There was something personal in this; hidden; remaining silent.

When it had been Alex the one who asked what was going on with him, and Justin looked into those eyes he had fallen for, he knew he didn’t want to lie to them. But what had been going on was something so raw, too delicate, embarrassing, even, that he didn’t want to share it; not even with Alex.

Justin had sat down next to Alex on the stairs when he asked, and he sighed.

“I don’t know everything yet, but this is something that I have to deal with on my own, and I need you to trust me and not to ask any questions, because I’m not sure if I have any answers”

Alex had wanted to protest, but Justin was one step ahead already.

“I’ll tell you everything when I solve this,”

It still seemed like Alex didn’t want to let it go.

“Please, Alex”

Alex continued to stare at him, and shaking his head, he agreed to leave it all to Justin to handle. “Okay”

 

The night when everything happened, Justin sat on his bed, fully dressed with his newest shirt and his cleanest shoes. His leg was shaking, his breath hitched, and he could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. He held the bunch on postcards he had received in the past weeks in his hands and red them all one more time, one by one, in order.

                                               _Justin_

_I miss you, son_

_I can’t stop thinking about you, Justin_

_I want to make things right, but I don’t know how_

_Justin, you were always a sweet kid, I’m sorry I never told you that_

_I want to see your face again, my baby_

_I want one more chance to make things right, please_

_Don’t give up on me yet, sweetie_

He held out the last postcard he had, and played with the corners of the paper for a long while, as he read, over and over again;

                                               _Meet me at the park tonight. I love you Justin_

He grabbed his jacket, he took his postcards, and he climbed down his window into the outside ground, in the middle of the night. He felt the cold night air rushing trough his skin, and his warm blood running faster, trying to make his body move once in for all, and he ran into the street.

But after a while, Justin wished he hadn’t.

 

_… the last time Justin dared do something so stupid._

 

Justin was sitting on the cold, wet grass of the solitary park no kids ever went to.

And he wanted to scream; he wanted to hit something; he wanted to run, to fall, to jump, to punch, to _scream_ , but he could only _cry_. He could only cry, and stare down at the blood in his new shirt.

His body was aching, and his hands felt like they might fall to the ground; the bruises on his knuckles reminding him of injured times in his life he had thought he had let go of.

The excitement and the power; the eagerness and the hope he had felt before; completely gone. Now everything he felt was pain, and rage, disappointment and frustration. _How could he have been so stupid?_

Justin took his phone and searched through his recent contacts. The light of the screen felt like it would burn his eyes, even through the tears and the blur. With no hesitation, but with a feeling of defeat, he dialed Clay’s number as he pressed down on his digital name and waited for him to pick up.

Completely ignoring the obvious laugh and background voices that came from the other line when he heard Clay’s “ _Hey, Justin”,_ he begged for help, and then he hung up, not wanting to wait for a question he didn’t want to answer; because he didn’t want to talk.

“Clay- I’m sorry, can you come to the park in Yorkshire and take me home, please?”

But he put the phone down, and he continued to weep.

 

Justin wasn’t sure how long it had taken for the sight of the car to appear in front of him; mostly because he hadn’t checked his phone, not once, after calling his brother, but also because deep down his deception, he had lost the correct track of time. It could’ve been hours, maybe just one, or maybe only minutes. He couldn’t tell.

He got up from the ground, looking down to avoid staring directly into the blinding headlights of Clay’s car, and he got ready to get inside it and remain silent, without answering any questions. He felt pathetic.

However, as he got closer to the car, and Clay turned off the headlights and the engine, Justin realized it wasn’t Clay’s car; and it wasn’t Clay, either.

“Justin!” He heard the _oh so_ familiar voice calling after him.

Justin stopped moving, and he couldn’t even try to hold back the tears when he saw the guy, in sweatpants and a short sleeved white T-shirt, running, and limping, straight to him.

“Alex?” Justin asked, even when he knew it was him. He watched as the guy walked as fast as he could, wearing the most worried expression Justin had seen on his face; and Justin hated for a second that he was doing that to him. He had started to feel that same old feeling of shame and hatred, but he didn’t really have time to sink into them, because before he could say anything, Alex had sighed his name one more time, and then he wrapped his arms around Justin’s body, and he held him as strongly as he could. Justin thought he needed to fight it, and stay put-together, but there was not that much of that left in him, so the only thing he could do was allow the sensation of wanting to melt into Alex’s arms to take over.

So he did. Justin let Alex hold him, and he wrapped his arms around him as well, letting all the tears roll down his face and stain the guy’s shoulder. He let them soak his shirt, and he let his weight fall onto him. He allowed himself to cry, to scream, to fall apart. It wasn’t like he had a choice, anyway. He had already started to break before he could stop himself; before he could think of something that would somehow fix him.

Thankfully, Alex didn’t say anything, and he didn’t ask a thing whilst he had Justin in his arms, because Justin had no idea what he was going to say to him. He felt like he had failed him, and he didn’t want to hurt him, in any way.

Justin sobbed a couple more times, and Alex still held him.

“It’s okay” Alex whispered into his ear.

Hearing Alex say those words reminded him of that other night, when he had run away from his own mind and hated where it had led him.

This was _second time Alex had saved him from a sticky situation; the first time Justin felt hopelessly devoted to_ him.

He wanted to believe him; he wanted to believe that everything would be okay, but it was hard, because every time something looked like it was okay, he found some way to mess it up; like this shit would follow him forever. Either way, Alex made it a bit easier; maybe he was right. It seemed blurry and distant, but maybe it was true. Maybe he _was_ okay.

When he felt himself relax a little, he asked the first thing that popped into his head.

“Why did you come for me, where’s Clay?”

Justin took a step back from Alex and rubbed the tears off his own face, as he looked at Alex’s outfit one more time. It looked like he hadn’t even tried to change before getting into his car; not even to grab a jacket. He still looked good, like always, just not appropriate for the freezing air of the night.

“He was freaking out, he was with Tony and couldn’t get here fast enough, and he told me you were possibly in trouble and that you needed a lift,”

Justin stared for a couple seconds.

“He’s on his way to your house to wait for us to get there as well”

Justin felt a few more tears making their way down to the ground; he started to wonder if his face was made a swollen balloon from all that crying.

“What happened to you?” Alex asked as soon as he finished explaining Clay’s lack of presence. He grabbed Justin’s shirt from the parts stained with bloodspots. “And, why didn’t you call _me_?”

Alex’s voice sounded almost- hurt?

“We said that- that we’d call when we needed help, why didn’t you-”

Justin looked down as Alex asked why he hadn’t called. He hated making Alex feel that way, like he was breaking his promise, or like it didn’t have any value to him; because it _so_ did. He believed in Alex more than he believed in himself, but-

He also hated that Alex saw him in that state.

“Because I didn’t want _you_ to see me like this,” He cut Alex off.

The boy’s eyes widened, and he got closer to Justin.

“Because I told you that I could do this by myself, that I didn’t need any help because I could deal with it on my own- And I asked you to trust me, that I’d fix it, but I couldn’t-”

Justin could see Alex’s lips saying his name one more time; and it somehow, brought a little bit of the comfort he needed. He also felt how Alex’s hand took a hold on Justin’s lightly. Justin squeezed it, hoping Alex wouldn’t let go.

“I don’t want you to stop trusting me, or to think badly of me, I can’t have you hate me”

“Justin, no, of course not” Alex answered Justin’s plea immediately. “Never” He gave his hand another squeeze. “Just tell me what happened”

Justin looked down again, and lifted his left hand to show his red, swollen knuckles to Alex.

And just like that; that’s what it had taken for him to give in and let everything out. A pretty face, a pair of wonderful bright eyes and some hand holding was what it took.

Justin knew there was more to it, thought.

So, he spilled. He told Alex about the postcards, he told him how he thought they were from his mom. He told him how pathetic he felt about believing the woman who mostly never cared for him, would suddenly find it in her to go back for his boy.

That he had somehow believed Amber would want to reconcile with Justin, that she would ask about his life, his new family, school, his friends… That she would care; but that now, he saw it as a very small possibility, since she was probably already dead.

He told Alex about Seth; how he had been the one sending the postcards, and how he had tricked him into thinking it was his mom. Justin could feel his own anger rising in his eyes as soon as he mentioned the man.

“And what did he want?” Alex had asked. Justin took a moment to study his expression; he saw worry, and surprise, but he also saw some of his own rage he was passing onto the boy.

“Well, what do you think?” Justin laughed ironically. “Threaten me, beat me up, start a fight, I don’t know…”

When he talked about it, the less he understood it. Why would Seth want to go through all that trouble of the postcards if all he wanted was to mess with the boy for a while? Maybe it had all been a cruel, cruel joke.

Or maybe, he had wanted to kill him himself, but decided against it in the last minute.

Whatever his intentions had been, it didn’t matter. He had already found Justin, tricked him, beat him and left him miserable on the ground.

When Justin ended telling Alex about his night, the guy gave him another hug; a much softer and intimate one; Justin didn’t feel it as a hug to hold on to, nor a hug to keep his sanity. It was a hug that told him he was not alone; one that said everything was going to result okay, that he was okay, safe, cared for.

“You ready to go?” Alex asked the guy when they separated, holding his shoulders with both hands.

Justin cleaned his face with his sleeves, and he nodded.

Both boys smiled to each other and walked back to Alex’s car. They got in, Alex started the engine, and they left the neighborhood once again; and Justin held Alex’s hand the whole trip.

 

“Justin! What happened to you?” Lainie asked as soon as he saw his son with a bloody shirt and some bruised knuckles and eye. Justin noticed how everyone, including Alex, stared at his eye and his bruises directly. It was weird that Alex was staring at them too, since he had already seen them; but maybe, they were more noticeable now that they were under the illuminated house.

After repeating the same story, with less crying, shouting, and less details, Matt asked Alex if they could call his dad, since he was a cop, and he could probably help with the situation.

While they waited for Alex’s dad to arrive, everyone settled on the living room, trying to comfort Justin, who was sitting in the middle of the couch, with Clay on one side, and Alex on the other, holding his hand. His parents were sitting on the coffee table in front of them. None of them were talking about it, yet. They settled for asking Justin if he was okay, how he felt, if there was anything he needed. Justin smiled and said he was fine.

Alex’s dad arrived a few minutes after; he greeted the Jensens, and his own son when he looked surprised that he was even there at that hour at night. Well, he was really not _that_ surprised.

“Guys, why don’t you go upstairs while we talk?” He had asked the teens, pointing at Lainie, Matt, and himself.

The kids agreed, got up slowly from the couch and made their way to Justin’s room.

Once there, Clay closed the door behind all three of them, and he began to hear the voices of the adults coming from downstairs.

Clay acted like a worried mom for Justin; closing the window he had escaped through, opening the cabinet to take some clean clothes for Justin to change into, even fixing the covers of his bed so he could lay down.

And Alex just stood next to him; ready to catch him if he decided to fall apart.

“I’m going to take a shower first,” Justin thanked Clay for the clean clothes, grabbed them and started kicking his shoes off his feet.

“Okay,” Clay agreed.

When Justin turned around to head to the bathroom, he tried to open the door, but since his hands were full, it was looking like a complicated task. He shifted all his clothes to one hand only, and opened the door with the other; dropping his clean T-shirt in the process. Alex quickly limped towards him when Justin tried to pick in up and flinched; something hurting.

“Do you need help?” Alex asked as he handed the T-shirt back to Justin.

“Yeah, maybe” Justin let out. He probably didn’t need the help, he knew he could get past a couple muscles aching when he moved, but Alex was there, offering a great amount of support that made everything easier and lighter, and he was not going to refuse.

Justin made his way to the bathroom with Alex following him behind., and the boy closed the door once they were inside.

Justin placed his set of clean clothes Clay had provided on the counter next to the sink, and then he took a quick glimpse at himself in the mirror. Seth had taken a good punch out of him. His right eye was beginning to absorb a darker color into the skin. He didn’t want to stare for too long, since seeing bruises like that was not something new for him; not only on himself, but on his friends and other people. He remembered seeing Clay with at least one new bruise in his face every week, and that fight Alex had had with Monty over a year before; his eye had been way worse than Justin’s. Still, it was something he didn’t enjoy having.

“How are your arms?” Alex asked, getting closer to the guy.

Justin laughed and turned around to look directly at Alex. “They’ve been better”

Alex returned the laugh. He stepped closer. “Come on, up” He patted Justin’s arms lightly a few times.

Justin smiled one more time at Alex, and then it happened again; he found it hard to look away. How was it possible that it only took a quick, close glance at Alex’s eyes to become completely lost in them?

He did as told and lifted his arms into the air. He felt Alex’s warm fingers touching the skin of his waist when he grabbed the hem of the shirt and lifted it up and out of his body. Justin let go of his shirt, and instantly felt Alex’s eyes on him. Should he have felt self-conscious? He looked down to his bare torso, and saw that it was free of bruises, so the blood on his shirt couldn’t have been his; it was Seth’s.

If his torso was okay, then what was Alex staring at?

For a while, they only stared at each other, and they didn’t say a word. Justin stared at Alex’s eyes, and Alex would do the same thing. Justin’s eyes found their way to Alex’s nose, his mouth, his skin, his hair, _his scar_ … and he loved every part. He wanted to reach out and grab Alex’s neck with his hands, and hold him in place as his face approached his. He thought about closing his eyes, his forehead pressed against Alex’s, their noses touching, breathing each other.

He wanted to kiss him.

Justin wanted to kiss Alex’s lips, and every part of him.

He wanted to run his hands around his hair, and touch him as their mouths moved together in a soft, sweet kiss.

But he was not going to do that. He was not going to kiss Alex. The guy was the person who helped him the most, the one who listened and didn’t ask anything in return; the person who brought support and calm and peace; light and air to his sorrow. And he didn’t want to ruin all that. He had no guarantee that if he kissed Alex, the guy wouldn’t flinch away. He had no guarantee he’d want to kiss him back; and then, he had no guarantee Alex would stay with him if things got too awkward.

And the thought of Alex leaving, was too much to bear, even imagining his life without Alex hurt. So, he was not going to kiss him, even if every fiber in his body wanted to.

When he noticed they were slowly getting closer to each other, and that Alex’s lips were so close to his, and that if he didn’t look away, he might do something he’d regret, he broke the air as he spoke.

“Stay the night?”

Alex looked at Justin with a confused expression. “Uhm” Justin wanted to slap himself. Alex had been already asleep when Clay called him; he probably wanted to go back to his home with his dad. He-

“I was not really thinking about leaving,” Alex added, and Justin’s heart jumped.

Justin smiled at him. “Okay”

Alex threw him another one of his smiles and walked straight to the shower to open it for Justin. The water started running and he slid his hand in to check the temperature. Meanwhile, Justin took the opportunity to get rid of his pants and his socks; leaving him with his underwear as the last thing on his body.

“Can I aske you something?” Justin let out randomly.

Alex, with his hand still inside, past the shower curtain, turned to face him. “Yeah”

“If you didn’t know me personally, and you only knew about the stuff I’ve done and what I’ve lived; the tapes, Jessica, the drugs, my other family,” He stated, watching him closely. “Would you think I was too messed up?”

Alex looked directly at his eyes, his hand still in the water.

“Well,” He looked inside the shower for a second, but quickly returned to Justin’s eyes. “If you didn’t know me, and everything you knew was that I’m the kid who tried to kill himself, would _you_ think I was messed up?”

Justin was not sure what Alex’s point was, but he knew it was a good one. Still, he stared at him with a frown and a smile. “Is that a yes?”

Alex faked an offended look. “Is _that_ a yes?”

Alex stared at him teasingly with his half, cheeky smile, and Justin stared back, waiting for either of them to break the silence. Alex was the one who did it, “Water’s ready”

Justin continued giving him his side of a mischievous smile, and instead of saying anything at all, he slid his underwear down to the floor, exposing himself completely in front of Alex. He pulled the curtain to get inside the shower, but he didn’t forget to look at Alex from the corner of his eye to check if he had stared.

He had.

 

When they went to bed, they could still listen their parents’ voices coming from the living room. Clay had decided he was going to sleep in Justin’s room with the guys when he sat down on the chair and dozed off. Neither Alex nor Justin had it in them to wake him up, so they just let him be.

Justin had gladly invited Alex into his bed, and since the days were beginning to get pretty chilly, they snuggled under the covers.

“Hey, listen to this” Justin grabbed his phone, plugged in the earphones and handed one to Alex, who took it quickly and put it in his ear.

Justin searched through his playlist of songs he’d listen to most of the time, and scrolled down until he found one specific song.

“It’s the acoustic version, because the original one it’s too much for the night” Justin explained as he pressed play.

Alex smiled and laughed silently, since it was nighttime, and they were trying to be quiet.

The melody of the song started playing in Justin’s ear, and he hoped Alex would recognize it, which he did, right away. His eyes widened and his lips turned into a huge, bright smile.

“The story of your life, huh?” Alex teased, repeating the words Justin had once spoken.

Justin smiled.

“ _Learn to love in motel rooms_ ,” He recited one of the lyrics of the song.

Alex smiled back and looked down at the phone Justin had put down on the covers between them. “ _We’ll break the mold just you and me_ ,”

 

At some point, they had both fallen asleep. They still had their earbuds on, but the music was no longer playing; probably because the battery of Justin’s phone had died, and Justin noticed because he heard the door of his room open. Unaware of the time, but pretty much in awe with the way he found his head to be resting in the corner of Alex’s chest, right under his head, with his arm wrapped around his torso; bodies facing each other, pressed together.

“Can I leave my kid here?” He heard Mr. Standall’s voice from the door. “I’ll come by in the morning”


	5. When you hate me (The kiss Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone who’s still reading this story! First of all, I have to apologize for the time it took me to upload these last installments. I have to say that I had actually planned for this story to be written faster than this, but something came up in the middle of my writing, and I had to give it priority. It was nothing bad, if anything, it was a good thing for me and my career. Nevertheless, I still feel tremendously sorry for making you wait so much for the final chapter, specially when I received such beautiful comments, and I wanted to finish this for me and for you, so, thank you very much.  
> I’ll leave the rest of the ramble in the end, in case you want to read that.  
> Thank you, so much! I hope you enjoy this last part.

Not long after the DJ had lost his patience and left the place, allowing a pair of very, really, extremely, undoubtedly intoxicated kids take over and play emotional songs in their phones connected to the speakers. Not long after that, the remaining people from the party decided to move to a single spot of the place; leaving meters of empty land away, all cozying up in one same spot.

The night would be over in a couple of hours, which meant there were no more teenagers dancing on top of the tables, no more people pouring the content of a tequila bottle on their faces, no more uncontrollable dancing, no more people accidentally falling to the pool; just people talking, laughing together as they sat on the floor, kids trying to regain their sobriety, and then there they were, fading among the small crowd perfectly; those kids Justin had seen at least once or twice in the halls.

After every party there is someone who drank so much, they lost consciousness. There is someone who drank so much, they are writing their name on the floor with their own vomit. And there is someone who drank so much, they can’t understand the concept on breaking a kiss apart.

 _Someone_ was laying on the grass, unable to move nor open their eyes. He was next to the couple of guys who would place a bottle of tequila on his face and take a picture after.

In the other corner of the room, there was _another someone_ Justin didn’t recognize; laying on the floor, facing the sky, making angels with his own puke. Nobody took pictures of him because honestly, nobody wanted to see that.

And in the middle from those two, a little bit further, there were _some other someone_ and _someone else_ , pressed together so hard, it was difficult to see if the guy was wearing those black heels or those brown construction boots. Their clothes were dirtier than the vomited floor itself because apparently, they didn’t read the “still fresh” sign on the wall.

It was very late at night, and all Justin could do was stare at those people he hardly recognized. For a second, he let the thought cross his mind; when had he stopped caring so much about his status in school that he stopped paying attention to everybody else?

Luckily, if he looked around; apparently, all his friends were in good conditions; involved in calm, sober conversations, or in a friendly, playful game of cards.

“Why are you guys still here?” Tony has asked both Justin and Alex; who were sitting next to each other in a very lazy position on the outdoors pool chair.

They looked at each other.

“You’re not even drinking” He tripped over his own shoelaces for a quick second, before his own strength allowed him to regain his balance and keep him from hitting the ground.

Well, maybe not _all_ of his friends were completely sober.

“So, we can’t be in a party if we’re not drinking?” Justin raised his arms all the way to his shoulders’ height, forcing the most offended expression he could afford.

Tony sighed and sat down next to them, putting his arm around Alex.

Justin _didn’t know why_ , but he automatically straightened up his posture and leaned in, almost sitting on top of Alex, so he could face Tony directly; which caused Alex to lean back a little.

“I’m just saying, you can’t be in a place where you don’t have any money to be fun, you get me?”

Both Justin and Alex stared with a frown.

“No, Tony” Alex responded with the usual sass in his voice Justin loved so much. “You’re not making any sense”

“I don’t know, man, think about it” Tony repeated as he leaned back on the chair and took a sit from his cup. If he had leaned any more, he might have fallen, since they were sitting on the side of the chair, and there’d be nothing to catch him if he did fall.

“Think about what?” Alex asked back.

“About what you’re gonna be doing tonight if you stay any longer”

Justin looked at Tony, and then he looked at Alex; back at Tony, back at Alex.

There hadn’t been that many occasions where he had seen the boy nearly as drunk as he was that night; so he wasn’t exactly sure what his kind of drunk was. Was he the kind of drunk who would stand up in a table and dance? Or, maybe the kind who wouldn’t be able to hold his liquor down and would end up throwing up on the floor and passing out? Would he be the kind to laugh with everyone, or the kind to start a fight?

But, regarding the way _that_ random, raw yet numb thought crossed his mind… Would he be the kind to speak up about soul-deep questionings?

So he looked back at the guy, and then he turned to look at Alex; who was already staring at him. Their eyes lingered for a second; holding contact in a way that was very much _theirs_ ; and Justin smiled.

“…or about getting laid” Tony finished his unstable statement with a shrug.

 

Right after Clay and Zach decided it would be best to drive Tony home, a lot other people had followed, and the place had started to feel rather empty.

Justin and Alex enjoyed the cool, free air. Everything was silent, for the most part, so it made the place a perfect host for those lazy, yet light conversations where they looked up at the night sky and gazed at the stars; lowered their sight to look at the shiny water in the pool and the slight movements of those little waves- dumb comments, long stares, shared laughs…

However, due to their past experiences, they had learnt to admit when they were feeling like the night was dying, and it would be better if they went home. They would still stay up late sometimes; talking, listening to music, watching movies or joining either of their family game nights; but at least they felt like they were in a safer place.

That’s how Justin, after a long and deep stare into the sky, let a sigh escape his lungs and patted Alex’s right thigh. “I think it’s time to go”

Alex stared as Justin stood up, took his offering hand and sighed a “yeah”. He got up as well and walked side by side out of the house and into Alex’s car.

That night, Justin spend the hours staring at his own ceiling on top of him. Ever since school had started again, and for the last time, they hadn’t been spending the nights at each other’s too much; mostly they both knew they wouldn’t be able to just fall asleep at a reasonable hour without the usual banter going around, and would end up joking around and talking until the tiredness became too heavy for their eyelids to support, mostly happening around a very late hour. They knew it’d be easy to be distracted with each other if they decided to sit down and do homework and study, so they would probably end up doing a lot of productive things around the day, just nothing related to school. However, they still found the times where Alex would be ‘too tired’ to go back, or Justin would say he was ‘caught up with his homework, anyway’.

But that night he stared at the ceiling; because Alex wasn’t there to distract him or to insert an earbud in his ear to show him a song he wanted him to listen to. Alex wasn’t there to keep him from thinking about the kind of things he’d think about when he was alone.

Justin had assumed at some point that their new concept of going to a party was shared; stay together and out of trouble. Neither of them could drink; or at least, they were not supposed to, and they’d rather not test their luck and find out what would happen in Alex’s body or in Justin’s veins if they gave into the bitter sensation of social alcohol touching their prides. Neither of them mopped around, trying to catch another wandering soul to punch and fight with anymore. And, neither of them looked around to find girls. It felt like an unspoken agreement; _stay close, and if things get too messed up, we flee_. _Let’s not look for trouble because we’ve been through enough. I don’t want to take any of this girls home, so why should we even try?_

And _that_ was the part that didn’t match up. They had never agreed on _that_. Justin had assumed Alex was just as done with girl drama as he was himself; but the truth was, that the guy had never mentioned anything about that.

He had taken such a strong hold on the boy that he hadn’t stopped to consider if Alex was comfortable with it or not. If he thought about it, he was sure that Alex enjoyed his company just as much as Justin enjoyed his; they knew they had become an essential part of each other’s lives, and Justin knew that Alex needed him sometimes as well, it wasn’t only Justin calling in the middle of the night asking for help. Justin knew they stared at each other a little too long, and he knew sometimes they’d stop in the middle of a conversation to think about things they’d never say out loud. Justin knew there was something more than friendship; on both sides, not only his stupid devotion for the boy.

But Alex was too nice of a person to ever say there was something mildly wrong with their relationship.

What if all this time, every time Justin had practically stated ‘oh, there’s a girl coming our way, ew’, Alex hadn’t been so _ew_ himself? What if he had wanted to look for girls, and flirt, and hook up all along? What if Justin was pulling him back and he was holding onto the boy for his dear life, and Alex only wanted to be free?

What if…

Alex had never ever been with anyone, right? What if Alex had been searching for this experience, and Justin was just not letting him?

Justin sighed desperately at the ceiling once more. He really did love to torture himself.

The sole thought of being a red light in Alex’s highway was a taste too sour; and a stress too stiff to handle.

 

That’s how one night, Justin decided that he was going to do something nice for Alex. He would take the boy and give him everything he wanted and everything he deserved. Alex was the best person he knew, and he deserved to have everything that made him happy; he deserved to feel every exciting emotion, and he deserved to have all the experiences life could offer him.

Alex didn’t deserve to suffer and to be punished any more than he had already been. Alex deserved the world, and Justin was willing to give it to him.

So that night, he decided- that he would help Alex Standall find the perfect person to have sex with for the first time. Of course, if he had known that his plan sucked, he would’ve approached his friend differently.

 

The first time Justin said anything about his plan had been one of the weirdest conversations the boys had had with each other. Alex had probably thought it was a joke, since he couldn’t stop widening his eyes and throwing skeptical looks at Justin.

“ _You_ \- want to help- _me_ ,” Alex repeated, pointing with his finger. “Get laid”

Justin looked from one side to the other. “Yeah” He answered; obviously not getting that Alex seemed more confused than anything else.

“W-why?” Alex response sounded as clueless and empty as his first.

“Because I think- this is what you need,” And then, Justin’s reply was just as tempted as how the conversation was becoming.

“Why would you think I need this?”

“Because- I don’t know, I just guessed”

“You just guessed”

“Yeah,”

There was a moment of silence. The boys stared at each other; both very confused and, slightly offended? Justin turned his eyes to both sides, searching for a close escape to the tension.

“What’s wrong with that?”

Alex’s eyes shot up and moved like the lense of a camera trying to find focus in the dark. He opened his mouth, but whatever he was planning on saying didn’t come out fast enough.

“Or,” Justin let out.

“No, nothing” Alex replied; his voice sounding like defeat, and still a lot of confusion.

“It’s actually, nice of you to think about helping me” Alex threw half a smile at Justin; still rather awkward; looking everywhere but Justin’s eyes. “It’s just that this is so- random, and- weird,”

“Random?” Justin furrowed his brows.

“This morning I did not exactly expect you to offer as a wingman to help me find lonely, messed up girls who would want to have sex with me,” Alex raised up his hands. “’just that”

Justin pulled back another frown and resisted his need to complain.

“You don’t need lonely and messed up,”

Justin pointed at himself as he said those last few lines. He probably didn’t notice he had, but Alex, well- Alex probably did.

It had actually been a while since the last time Justin referred to himself as a burden, or as something that couldn’t be fixed; too far gone and thrown away; unable to return and ineligible for redemption; so it might have taken Alex by surprise.

“You deserve nice, confident- and hot”

Justin laughed a little, and Alex only returned it with a laugh and a half roll of eyes; looking at the ceiling.

“Okay”

Alex had said.

And it had been enough.

It had been enough to set Justin into plan-making mode. And yeah, Justin would’ve later described it as a very dumb idea; possibly the most stupid idea he had had in weeks; but at the time, it sounded damn right.

The idea of helping Alex have sex with someone for the first time felt like something he hadn’t yet experienced; like too many emotions to be able to recognize each one separately. All he knew was that from one side, it was okay. He believed that was what the boy needed, and he believed giving it to him would make him a hero; so that side of the story, the one where he would be able to see a happier and lighter side of Alex; the one where he would be the reason for Alex’s smile; that was the bright, hopeful, full of starts kind of side.

Nevertheless, there was the other part; the dark one, the one that sunk his soul to the ground, making it feel heavy and empty, like if he had been slapped to emotional unconsciousness. That was the part that was jealous of whatever girl he would bring closer to Alex.

It was painful to think about, even.

So, _why would he put himself in that kind of situation in the first place?_  He would never know.

And that’s how, the stupidest bright plan of the year began.

 

The first time Justin tried to hook him up with a girl had actually been a few days after Justin had proposed his brilliant idea and Alex had partially accepted. It had also been around two weeks before they had their first kiss.

It wasn’t an unusual thing for either of them to take the other out on spontaneous adventures during the day; like a movie night at the actual theater, going for lunch at a restaurant instead of eating home or at each other’s places, forcing each other to go on a late morning walk, and sometimes a short run. It had become a thing.

Therefore, it hadn’t been weird at all when Justin arrived at Alex’s during a late evening and asked him to get in Clay’s car.

“Okay, but am I dressed appropriately?” Alex looked down at his sweatpants and his red T-shirt as he leaned on the frame of his front door.

Justin looked at him up and down and smiled.

“Yeah, of course” He took a step back when Alex stepped out of his house and closed the door behind him. “You always look nice”

 

It was safe for Justin to understand and assume that Alex was completely taken aback and confused when they arrived at their usual diner table, around their usually late hour, about to probably order their usual combination of foods, only to find that other people had been very consciously and gladly invited to their table. However, it was all part of his twisted plan, so he simply ignored it.

The conversation of that first night had turned out rather comical.

Zach would grab his girlfriend’s hand and would make a nice compliment about her. Then Zach’s girlfriend would smile from ear to ear as she crunched her nose and would also make a compliment about _him_. Then, Justin would turn to the couple of girls who had been brought by Zach and Zaire sitting next to him, and he would make a compliment about _Alex_.

“Zaire has the most exciting summer stories,” Zach had said when he held her hand and looked in her eyes.

“Oh” Zaire had giggled, she held on to Zach’s hand even tighter, and she let her face come closer to the guy’s. “And Zach tells the funniest jokes”

“Don’t make me blush”

“Come on, tell us one”

Zach turned his head to the side in slight embarrassment. “I don’t- I can’t think of any right now”

“Oh, come on” She begged. “Tell the dog one”

“The dog one? That’s not even funny”

“Please?”

Next thing they knew, the six kids found themselves in an endless round of hardly amusing “dad” jokes that only Zaire laughed at genuinely, and Alex and Justin staring at each other, smiling from eye to eye.

_“My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away!”_

“You know who’s also good with jokes? Alex” Justin pointed at his friend as he approached the girls. Both of them smiled and turned to look at the poor boy right after Justin decided he would stare as him as well.

Alex looked like the unvolunteered tribute who had just been called into the dirty work nobody wanted to do. He took his banana milkshake he had been drinking with a straw down from his mouth and stared at Justin with wide open eyes. “Why would you say that? I’m horrible at it”

“Alex” Justin tilted his head. “You have a great sense of humor, don’t be shy about it”

“I don’t have a great sense of humor” He made a sarcastic face to his _friend_. “I just have a bunch of bad decisions and a regretful past I can joke around with no shame” And he threw in a mischievous smile.

Right after laughing, Justin shook his head as a response, and proceeded to take a fry from the plate they were sharing.

 

For Justin’s liking, Alex had been oddly quiet during the complete get together. Therefore, when they were heading back to Alex’s; walking side by side in the dark night, and Alex taking no girl home, Justin broke the thin layer of silence in the wind.

“You are very quiet” Justin spoke, looking straight at Alex as they continued to walk. Alex kept his eyes off Justin, but his sudden smile was very visible, and Justin was happy to know that Alex’s silence was nothing bad; but still, there was a hint of sour sadness on his face, and Justin needed to know why.

“Are you sad?” Justin offered. “Disappointed?

Alex frowned and turned straight to Justin. “Why would I be sad _or_ disappointed?”

Justin shrugged with his hand in mid-air and his mouth exaggeratedly open as he responded; “I don’t know, I was thinking that maybe you would’ve liked to get to know Lisa or Freida after” Justin almost didn’t notice how Alex rolled his complete head along with his eyes. “And since they left pretty quickly, I don’t know…”

“You’re unbelievable” Alex laughed sarcastically.

“What? Why?” Justin snapped.

After a sigh, Alex slowed down his pace without needing to stop walking. Justin caught up on the change right away, and his stare never moved away from Alex’s face. “That was your brilliant attempt to hook me up?” He laughed ironically.

Justin widened his eyes in an attempt of denying it and playing dumb, but the sole thought of working up to anything else than the truth felt thickly heavy, specially at that time at night, so he just regained his small posture and decided not to fight it.

“It would’ve worked if you had at least tried”

“Jus, that was pathetic” Alex laughed. “You know I would never go for strangers, specially those who seem very over energetic and whose favorite conversation topics are sports and parties; I thought you’d know better than that,”

“You weren’t going to talk to them, you were going to _bang_ them”

“How was I going to bang them? I don’t even know them”

“That’s the definition of a hook-up, Alex” Justin shook his head multiple times. “Which I arranged for you,” Hand movements. “Which you agreed to”

“I never agreed to banging strangers?”

“Then what were you thinking about when you let me help you?”

Alex stared at Justin for a while, with open eyes and blank expression. Justin felt like he wanted to carve it so he could find the answer and the emotions underneath the flesh. A few silent seconds later, Alex changed it to a silly, tired one. “I don’t know, forget it”

Justin wanted to elaborate. He wanted to dig deeper. He wanted to ask the question that urged to jump from the tip of his tongue; fresh, impatient, risky… But Alex spoke too soon, and he was left hanging for his own good.

“Let’s head back quickly, I’m starting to freeze”

 

Justin’s second attempt on finding a lucky soul that would get in Alex’s pants happened a few days after the first one. Enough days for Alex to have forgotten they were still doing _that_ whole thing. Enough days for Justin to become smoother with his plans.

His second attempt didn’t involve much preparation beforehand; it simply needed a few minutes in the internet and he would let the magic run its own course.

What could be better than an online dating profile, right? It’s a global, perfect, resourceful tool most people use for casual sex; and if big weirdos could find perfect dates on those sites, a cute former blond with a limp and depressive social interactions wouldn’t have much of a problem.

 

Very confidently, Justin rolled on the ground to meet Alex, where they were laying during an early night. “Wanna do something fun?”

“Do I need to stand up?”

“Yes, you do” Justin did so himself. “I know my first attempt kinda sucked, but I am confident this one will work”

Alex looked at Justin with a lot of confusion, without moving a single muscle in his body. “What are you talking about?”

Instead of answering, Justin stared at the boy on the ground suggestively and let out a quirky laugh. He made some interactions in his phone, and with a final swipe, he showed his phone to Alex.

The phone revealed a bright, exaggerated profile of the one and only, Alex Standall.

“What is this’” Alex took Justin’s phone in his hands and sat down properly. “Justin, you didn’t”

“Oh, I did”

Alex began to read.

“I love to go out, meet people, hang out with my friends, and I only go to the club once a week” Alex turned up to look at Justin with a huge load of disgust in his face. “What-”

“Keep reading, it gets better” Justin couldn’t hold his own laughter.

“I’m looking for someone who knows how to have fun and stay up at night…” He paused. “What the fuck Justin”

Just sat back down as he continued to laugh. “You don’t need to say the truth, it’s just a profile, everybody lies”

“And what will happen when she realizes I don’t love to go out and hang with my friends, or that I don’t go only once a week to the club”

“What? You go more than once?” Justin teased him.

Alex punched Justin on the shoulder, but he himself laughed as well.

“This is a good way to meet people, trust me”

“Trust you? Do you do this a lot?”

“No, I mean- I know that you can get to know people like this, it’s no big deal”

Alex frowned, growled, whined, and rolled his eyes as he let himself fall back to the ground completely. “This is terrible”

“Oh, no, it’s not too bad!” Justin faked disappointment. “Give me some creativity points”

“No, what’s terrible is that you even considered making me a dating profile, that’s embarrassing!”

“It’s not like people don’t already know you’re lacking action in that department”

“I know” Alex covered his eyes from the sun with his arm. “I just don’t go around announcing it”

 

And as expected, Justin did end up convincing Alex to jump on the first match the boy made in that site. And as expected, it didn’t go as planned.

Later that night, Alex showed up at Justin’s, way earlier than Justin had been hoping for, and after Alex explained how much fun he hadn’t had, he asked Justin to stop trying.

And Justin didn’t understand it.

But he saw how Alex really didn’t want to be in those situations that Justin put him in; and even when he felt determined to find the perfect set up for his friend, he accepted that Alex wanted a break.

So, he let it go.

For a moment.

 

The third and last time Justin tried to make Alex have sex for the first time happened to be exactly days before Justin and Alex kissed for the very first time.

Justin didn’t know why he sometimes liked to lay on his brother’s bed instead of his own, but more often than not, he found himself staring at Clay’s ceiling when he wasn’t home. He would throw the little rubber ball he held in his hands, he would let it bounce on the wall, and he would catch it; making his process of thought go on a lot smoother instead of avoiding thinking about the things he had to do.

And this, felt like something he had to do; so, he had to think. How was he going to help Alex?

He remembered what had happened the last time; how Alex had done a good job covering his anger after finding out Justin had created the dating profile without his permission or knowledge. He remembered it all too well. He also remembered how Alex had made him promise he wouldn’t try to do it again, and how he had actually promised that he wouldn’t, but he knew his mind hadn’t let go of it all completely.

The burning thought he had had a while back remained; the thought of Alex needing to be with someone, and how Justin was so selfish by keeping that away from him. He kept repeating it like a mantra in his mind; that he was the neediest friend he had ever known, and he needed to give Alex a little bit of freedom.

So, even if he had promised to stop, he knew he had to try again; at least one more time.

Nonetheless, he hadn’t been successful those other times, even with the girl not having much trouble with ‘getting to know’ Alex. It was like it didn’t matter who Justin got, Alex was still going to say no to each one.

It was almost like if…

Like if Alex wanted someone in particular.

Justin didn’t catch the ball bouncing to him from the wall that time; realizing something for the first time. Maybe that was it. Justin stood up and sat down on Clay’s bed.

Maybe Alex wanted someone already, and that’s why he hadn’t accepted any of the other times. Alex had his eyes, and maybe even his heart, set on someone, and Justin had an idea of who it could be.

Well, he had two ideas, but he thought one of them was stupid and unattainable, so he knocked that one right off the table. So, there was only one person that Alex could possibly want.

Jessica.

Thinking about Alex and Jessica together made his blood boil for many types of reasons; one being that they had decided to leave the topic of Jessica for the peace long ago, and bringing that back felt like he was also bringing a lot of painful and destructive memories back. It felt wrong in many levels.

But it also made a lot of sense.

Alex had loved Jessica in the past. Alex had fought Justin for _her_ as well. Alex had suffered because of Jessica. They may not have spoken about her in a while, but Justin figured that kind of love doesn’t just go away. It must’ve still been there.

And even if it killed him, Justin would make it happen. He was going to bring Alex and Jessica back together.

 

And that’s basically how the stupidest plan of the century began.

As soon as Clay came home that same day, Justin took a chance, and when Clay went into the shower, Justin took his phone and opened Jessica’s chat; because there was no way she’d reply if he had done it from his own.

His thumbs began typing with no hesitation.

_Hey. I was thinking I could organize something tonight, before we have to start studying for finals this week. I’m sending this to everyone. Be here at 7?_

Justin took a second to read every word before he hit send, and contemplated the posted message, as it was now real. His stupid plan was marching.

He copied the exact text message and pasted it onto Alex’s chat. And that was it. He didn’t send the text to anyone else. That’s how bright his plan was, and he could already feel it going wrong.

After he hit the “send” button, he slowly climbed up the stairs that led to his room, he let his body lie stomach flat on the bed, he snuggled his head in his pillow, and he didn’t move, not for hours, until he received a message through his own phone.

                _Jus wake up_

_you do know your brother is throwing a party, right?_

_I’ll try to be there soon_

_but I can’t get out of bed_

And well, Alex did get there eventually, and Justin lied and said he had to go to the bathroom and asked Alex to stay downstairs, and when he heard Jessica’s voice coming from the living room, Justin’s back pressed against the wall of the bathroom, he let himself slide down slowly, as he contemplated every terrible part of this intent.

Jessica and Alex were friends, and they supported each other, so, they didn’t have any issue with talking to each other alone while there was no one else in the room.

Justin closed his eyes and listened to the sound of those two voices together; how they both laughed together, how they almost felt synched up and in perfect harmony. It seemed alright, like it was good. It felt like he was going to succeed for once, and that he was going to make Alex happy. Of course, he felt really jealous to a certain extent; how the person he had once loved so dearly, and the person he currently loved the most, were so good for each other, and he was not good for either of them.

So, yes. To him, it felt okay; like they were better off without him.

And it made him sad, but he wanted to pretend it didn’t bother him.

 

He should’ve known that both Jess and Alex would figure it out sooner or later; that the lack of people at the Jensens’ wasn’t simply the people deciding they didn’t want to party. He should’ve known his plan would fail.

Okay. He did know. But he liked to pretend he had high hopes in fixing a long lost relationship with no future.

And he saw it coming; he saw the disappointment in Alex’s face as soon as he heard the door of his own room open and closed shut right after. He saw the shouting, the fighting, the anger… he saw it all.

But what he hadn’t seen coming- at all, what the feeling of rage inside his gut when Alex called him out for breaking his promise, as if he had been expecting Alex to, beyond being mad, be at least- grateful. Maybe he had been expecting Alex to be thankful to Justin, since he had at least tried.

He hadn’t seen it coming; that the night would end up in fighting, and with him having the biggest argument he had ever had with the person he loved the most.


	6. Built my life around you (The kiss Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

Justin had never felt like that in his lifetime; not that he could recall; like he wanted to scream and cry at the same time; like he wanted to punch someone, but he wanted to dig up in a hole and drown himself with his own tears. He felt like his pride was taking over and he wanted nothing but to look into the window and look at the passing trees in peace, but he also felt like he might have fallen apart at any given second, because it seemed like he had fucked up real bad that time; like he had lost the most important person in his life. And _that_ , was a feeling that sucked.

He knew that his plan hadn’t been the best, and he knew that maybe he had crossed the line with Alex, but at that moment, sitting in the backseat of Clay’s car, looking at the window in complete silence with Alex doing the same thing next to him, but looking at his own window and digging into his own silence, all he felt was rage.

He felt terribly mad. All he wanted was to help Alex out; that had been all he had wanted. His first thought had always been Alex; everything he did was for him. It was ironic how everything had turned out so wrong, then. Because Alex didn’t seem very grateful.

He thought of punching Alex on the face; but that only made him feel worse. He would never punch Alex.

By the time Clay arrived at Alex’s, the guy took his sweater and opened the back door to step out. “Thank you for bringing me home, Clay” and with nothing else to add, he stepped out of the car and shut the door behind him.

Justin tried his best for his head not to move too quickly as it followed Alex. His eyes hurt when he tried to roll them to the back of his head as he tried not to lose sight of him.

When he heard the distant footsteps on the other side, he safely turned around to look at Alex as he opened the door of his house and disappeared inside it. He looked at the door for a second, somehow expecting Alex to come back out and speak to him. He waited for something to move, or for something to change. He waited for his own mind to come up with a real excuse, for-

He didn’t even know what for.

When he knew Alex was not going to back out, he returned to look down at his hands, and he stared.

What the hell was wrong with him? What the hell was wrong with Alex? All Justin wanted was to give Alex a chance in the life he thought he’d miss out on for good. He wanted to see Alex smiling all the time; to be excited about something so much that he’d have to come to Justin to talk about it, and they would talk for hours, and they’d laugh together, and they’d be together, and Justin would get to see Alex’s lit up eyes every day. Justin wanted Alex to meet someone who would care and look after him; someone he could trust and be deep with, someone who, regardless of every way Alex called himself fucked up, would stay unconditionally. He knew all those things because that’s what Justin wanted for himself.

He wanted Alex to find someone who would love him almost as much as-

Someone who would love him almost as much as Justin loved him. If such person existed.

Nonetheless, being completely honest, Justin knew he didn’t want Alex to find anyone. He didn’t want anyone to care and love him, because he knew nobody, not one single person in the world, could get to love that messed up boy the way Justin did. But still, Alex deserved all the love in the world, and Justin had tried to help him find it.

And Alex had been such a bitch about it.

And Justin was mad.

It took Justin a couple more seconds of thinking and secretly crying madness tears to realize that if he turned to look at the car’s window, he could still see Alex’s door.

Clay hadn’t started the car to drive them and Tony home.

“Why aren’t we moving?” Justin asked with the raspy, confused tone of voice nobody was surprised at because it came too regularly.

Justin looked at the boys in the front seats, who were looking at each other; not at Justin, and it looked like they were speaking to one another with their minds or with some sort of motionless game of charades. Either way, they were not looking at Justin.

So, he spoke to get their attention. “Clay, what’s going on?”

Both Clay and Tony turned back to look at Justin, and he suddenly felt like a kid having an _important_ talk with his parents.

“Justin,” Tony began; just like all those times he heard him saying something he thought was wise. “Do you really want to leave, or-”

There was a pause between everyone.

“…or?” Justin asked.

“Do you really want to leave things with Alex like this? Don’t you wanna go in there and fix it?”

Justin’s jaw dropped a little, and he felt the urge to complain. Not that he wanted to fight about whose fault it had been when they started fighting; it was not about that. It was about the things he was feeling. He was mad at Alex for behaving the way he had been since he began this whole thing. He was mad at himself for even thinking about wanting to find someone for Alex, when he knew, all too well, that all he wanted, was simply Alex.

And it had been so long since the last time they fought, which had been years ago, around the first weeks after Hannah died, that he couldn’t recognize the situation. He hadn’t stopped to acknowledge that fighting and being mad at Alex simply meant not talking to him. Justin hadn’t necessarily realized there was something that needed fixing; not until Tony mentioned it.

So, instead of saying anything, he closed his mouth and he looked down, trying to see if his hands would open the door on their own, or if he would have to command them to.

One last glance at Clay and Tony, who were still staring at him, and with all the strength and determination left in his body, he opened the door of the car and ran out of it quickly, ready to head to knock on Alex’s door.

“Do you want us to wait?” Clay asked from the car’s window.

“No” Justin replied softly. “I’ll meet you back at the house” He threw a smile and he turned around.

He took a few slow steps forward, each one closer to Alex, and he heard how the engine of the car started, and before he could reach the house door, they were off into the street.

Oh, what a feeling. Partially, he felt still, very mad, but he felt proud of himself for taking the initiative and confronting Alex instead of going home to suffer and being miserable. For a minute, he felt so bold, that instead of knocking on the door, he took he handle, twisted it, and walked right into his home, like if he had a free ticket to that ride.

As soon as he walked in, he was welcomed by the figure of Alex’s dad sitting on the kitchen stool. Alex’s dad said hello to the boy as he took a bite of the food in his plate and asked him why he had come after Alex.

Justin was not going to tell him that he let himself in only to probably yell at his son and attempt to fix the biggest argument they’d had in years. Instead, he simply said he had gone to the store quickly. Alex’s dad pouted for a second, considering the fact that Justin and Alex hadn’t gone to the store together. However, he seemed to let it go quick, since he shrugged and greeted Justin once more.

Justin greeted back, and he proceeded to climb up the stairs and into Alex’s room.

He had idealized bursting into Alex’s room, screaming and demanding an explanation. But things always sound better in mind, since the moment he walked into the room, he didn’t see Alex in there, and there was nobody he could scream to as he walked into the room like he owned it.

Maybe it was for the best, because even he knew he didn’t want to be screaming and losing his marbles with Alex.

Simply, he sat down on the edge of Alex’s bed.

In any other occasion, Justin would be snuggling under the covers of that bed, or he would solely lay on top of it as he looked at the ceiling and shared a pair of earphones with Alex as they listened to their usual playlist. He’d be sleeping at night after some late activity he couldn’t return home from. But that day, he _simply sat down on the edge_ , waiting for Alex to return.

Justin looked around the room; where he recognized every object, every space on the wall and every tile on the floor. Everything was the exact same as it had been the last time he had been at Alex’s, but he still stared and gazed around.

A while after, he began to hear the distant uneven footsteps outside of his room, and he got ready to do some yelling, probably.

The doorknob moved to the wrong side for half a second, and then the door opened with a twist in movement, and the figure of a freshly buzzcut head appeared on the frame of the door.

Alex stared at Justin, and Justin stared at Alex. None of them said a word.

Justin wanted to say something, and he knew that Alex wanted to say something as well, but as much as he tried opening his mouth, he couldn’t bring himself to say any of the things he had been planning in his head. And it wasn’t until Alex decided to speak first when he felt all those things trying to come out at once.

“Have you come to apologize or to keep up with your nonsense, Justin?”

Justin’s mouth dropped so heavily, and his words wanted to come out so rapidly, he couldn’t speak properly. “What- why, Alex- what are you even-”

He noticed that if he didn’t shut up, he was going to continue saying cut off words and pointless complains, so he opted for remaining silent and taking a deep breath before he continued speaking. “Tell me why you are so mad” Justin sounded much calmer. “What did I do that set you off like that?”

Alex looked at Justin in disbelief for less than a second. He walked deeper into the room as he sighed to the, mostly, clueless guy in front of him.

“Are you seriously asking me _that_ question?”

“Yeah,”

Alex stared for another half a second before he sighed again.

“Can’t we just let it go, forget it ever happened?”

Justin stood up.

“You’re the one who snapped at me for no reason, I can let it go if you want, but you need to tell me first what’s wrong”

Alex started Justin for a while, like he had been doing ever since they found each other in the room. Something about the way Alex was looking at him had the boy startled. Since this was something Alex had never done before. There was something mysterious about it; suspicious, concerning, and very upsetting. That was a new side of Alex Justin hadn't seen before a new face, but he didn't enjoy as much as he enjoyed other facial expressions he was used to seeing on the boy. If she thought about it on a different note, every time that he got to see something new about Alex; an idea, I thought, a belief, a mark, a secret, a monster, or simply a new piece of Alex that he decided to show Justin on a normal day; like that time Justin found out that if he stayed really late at night with Alex and the night together; Alex would sometimes snore slightly, in a way of showing he was tired, but he was so content and satisfied with the day he just had; like he was at peace, and like nothing could touch him; and like no one would hurt him again. Not even his own hands.

However, getting to know that new side of Alex; mysterious, unknowing, calm yet explosive, angry yet sad, ready to start a fight without giving up, but also exhausted and overwhelmed; done. Getting to see that for the first time in years was not an exciting thing for Justin. If anything, he felt scared; not because of Alex, but because of the thought that maybe things were going to change between them; the thought that maybe he was going to lose his best friend.

Because seeing Alex like that-

Almost made him forget he was there to fight time. _Relatively_.

“Fine, do you wanna know what's going on?” Alex stood up from the bed and clapped his hands on his thighs before turning around and screaming at the walls with his eyes before he took a good look at Justin; a look that if Justin didn't love so much, would burn his skin with the piercing windy contact.

Justin had wanted to say _yes_. He had wanted to beg him to _please_ say something, so he could _understand_. But Alex was quicker, and before he knew it, he was already spilling his tea.

“It’s this whole thing that you’d been doing, Justin” He began. “You’ve been trying to have me have sex with loads of people I definitely don’t wanna have sex with, I asked you to stop, and you still did it, again!”

Justin stood still as Alex’s words became more like shouts.

“The first time, you brought Zach and his friends into our diner, Jus, you fucking took them there! The place where we hang out all the time, you took them there. And you know what, that’s fine, that’s not the worst thing you did, regarding everything that happened last year, and to top it all- Jessica. Even after everything that we went through, everything I confided in you, and you still- wanted me- to go out- with Jessica. What the hell Justin? Does that mean anything to you? Does _this_ mean anything to you?” Alex turned around with his hands on his head.

“Of course it does” Justin snapped quickly. “And you’re right, I’m sorry, bringing up Jessica was a douchey move, I’m sorry, Alex”

Alex looked down at Justin’s shoes.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Alex” Justin began to feel paranoid, because for the very first time, having Jessica in the plan seemed like a really bad idea, if not, the worst of all. “It sucked, this sucks- I suck, I don’t-”

“Jus” Alex’s voice went back to normal. “That’s not-” He shook his head without finishing the sentence. “Come on, let’s stop fighting, I don’t want to do this”

Justin agreed, and he instantly began to feel less on edge. Because, in all honesty, having Alex yell at him was worse than he had imagined, and he was glad it would all stop soon.

So, Justin nodded with a quiet “yeah”, and they both sat back down on the edge of Alex’s bed, one after the other. The boys dropped on the covered mattress, feeling each other’s jumping along the movement, and Alex resumed with whatever he had been talking about, but with less shouting and heated remorse.

“You never asked me, not even once, who I wanted to have sex with” Alex let out, looking straight into the wall.

Justin turned to face him, and his stare remained, even if Alex continued looking at the blank space on the wall between the poster and his family photo, both hanging with the help of a couple of nails. “I never thought you wanted someone in specific”

Alex laughed ironically. “Oh, so, you just thought I was so desperate I would bone anyone who you brought to me”

“It sounds bad If you put it that way”

“Is there a better way to put it, then? What would you say it was?”

“Giving you options, and you could gladly accept or decline them”

Alex quickly shifted on the bed so he could look more directly at Justin. “Okay, first of all, that’s something a player would say, and I thought you had left that life behind, and second, I gladly declined your offers and you didn’t take it so well”

“I know-” Justin sounded defeated. “And I _did_ leave that life behind, it’s just- I don’t know-”

“What?” Alex asked with a small smile on his face.

“I- I didn’t really want you to have sex with any of them either, I just thought that you might have wanted to,”

“Well, no. But, it you didn’t want it either, why did you offer in the first place?”

“Because I thought you _did_ want to, and you were just too nice to tell me, you know? We do everything together, and we have given up so many things we used to do, together, and I figured _this_ might not be something you had actually signed up for”

“Oh, come on” Alex mocked Justin, which secretly made him smile. “Why would you think that?”

“Can you really blame me? This is not exactly something we talk about, I honestly thought you were just being nice”

“Are you saying I am not nice?” Alex acted offended.

“No, I-” Justin panicked for a second. He bent down and buried his face in his hands, trying to put his words in order in a heartbeat. However, before he said anything, Alex was already ahead of him, with a hand on his back and his laugh ringing in Justin’s ears.

“I know what you meant, I’m just messing with you” He laughed one more time, and did it again when Justin showed his defeat, embarrassed smile.

“…besides, if I do everything with you is because _I_ want to do everything _with_ y _ou_ ”

Justin had never seen Alex’s smile being so soft; and he had never felt his own smile _being so soft_. He would’ve internally cursed himself for ever being mad at that guy if he hadn’t practically forgotten about already. …Because looking at him, and being in the room like that with him, and feeling like Alex was the only thing he needed with him to be okay… he’d even forget his own name.

“If I didn’t want to be here with you, trust me, I wouldn’t”

“But if you thought I was being an asshole, you wouldn’t tell me either, right?

“Oh, no” Alex shook his head almost immediately. “I definitely would”

Justin had burst into Alex’s house ready to confront the guy about being selfish and ungrateful; he had felt so mad and frustrated he had almost forgotten Alex was the only person he truly trusted with his soul. But then, in a matter of minutes breathing next to him, and listening to his voice, and remembering how much he couldn’t stand being away from him, he found himself sitting next to that same guy, on the edge of the bed; feeling the lightness of their combined auras and the coolness of the late time at night; and he felt in one of those moments he loved so dearly.

He stared deeply into Alex’s eyes like he had done so many times before, and he felt Alex’s eyes burning into his own stare, like he had felt so many times before; and he swore that the urge of following the invisible pull he felt coming from Alex’s lips became harder to oppose, _every time_.

But he couldn’t.  He _still_ couldn’t kiss him. Because he wasn’t sure where he stood, and he didn’t want to open space for a negative response if he ever tried to figure it out.

So, with all the strength he could find in his weak night-time body, he pulled pack every centimeter he had leaned in, and he didn’t kiss Alex. And it hurt, and it burned, and it sucked.

“Do you want to go to sleep?” Alex asked without taking his eyes off Justin’s.

Justin turned to his left to look at Alex’s bed, where he knew he’d very probably be spending the night, and it looked pretty amazing.

“I do” Justin turned back to Alex. “But I am too hungry to fall asleep,”

“You just ate”

Justin shrugged. “But I used all that sugar being mad at you”

Alex continued to stare, but with such a smile Justin praised himself for saying something so funny Alex would smile at him that way.

Their day ended with Alex taking Justin downstairs for a shared meal in a single plate with their legs intertwined with each other, up on the couch of the living room with the lights off before they went to bed, and they inevitably fell asleep as soon as their heads touched the pillow and the blankets.

 

The next morning, Justin woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He was able to ignore a couple times, but it kept insisting, so it became sort of annoying. Justin had to admit that the only thing he didn’t enjoy about sleeping next to Alex was that every time he woke up, it was hell of a nightmare to get up; because, even if they had fallen asleep separately, each one on their own side of the bed, they’d wake up one on top of the other; every single time. Justin would find it definitely hard to take his arms out of Alex’s hold, or he would find it terribly impossible to let go of his own embrace, if that was the case. He would also feel almost immediately the loss of comforting warmth coming from the boy, and every morning, he thought about how wrong it would feel when he had to pull apart.

Justin recognized the sound coming from his phone as not his ringtone, but he was way too asleep and numb to identify what it was.

“Aren’t you going to shut that up?” Alex practically growled from the sleepiness and the annoyance.

Justin couldn’t find it in him to answer nor to move, so he simple growled. Eventually, the phone stopped ringing. Justin felt the morning stress fade, and he even felt himself beginning to doze off again when Alex shifted and tightened his embrace behind Justin’s torso, which made Justin hold onto Alex’s hand more strongly.

He had to admit, it felt like magic. Almost heavenly; like everything was light and flowing. At least until his phone rang again.

That time, both Alex and Justin growled at the same time, and out of pure annoyance, Justin freed himself from Alex and moved, still on the bed, so he could take his phone from the nightstand, where he had left it the night before.

Justin didn’t notice, or, better said, he wasn’t thinking about it, but as soon as he grabbed his phone, he moved back to the spot he had been in a few seconds ago; next to Alex. Alex had moved as well when Justin went to get his phone, so, when Justin reclaimed his previous spot on the bed, Alex switched and proceeded to lay on top of Justin; with his head on his chest and his arm on his stomach.

Justin unlocked his phone, only to find that the noise coming from it was actually a reminder, showing on full-screen, for the conference his mom was holding in the lake house she had mentioned a few weeks ago. The conference both him and Alex had promised to show up to.

“Fuck”

“What?” Alex growled.

“Lainie’s conference is today” Justin ran a hand through his own hair. “And we said we would go”

“We can’t bail?” Alex asked slowly, as his voice began to sound more put together.

“No” Justin yawned. “She might cry if we don’t show”

“Right” Alex sighed.

“Can you imagine what she would say to me when I came home after not going to her conference with no valid excuse? She would literally cry, and maybe that would make me cry, too”

“What if we had a valid excuse, then?”

“Like what?”

“Like,” Alex let go of Justin, and he slowly crawled on top of him, so his face was right on top of Justin’s. They were not touching, but they were close enough for Justin to feel startled. “We overslept, it wouldn’t really be a lie if we go back to sleep right now”

Justin laughed with his heart and his cheeks feeling warm. Alex laughed as well, and as if dismissing his own idea, he turned around and he fell the other side of the bed, away from Justin.

“What time is this thing?” Alex asked as he rubbed his eyes with his arm.

“Ten”

“And what time is right now?”

Justin took his phone again and unlocked it to look at the time. “Ten”

 

Turned out attending to his mom’s conference was not as boring as he thought it’d be. Something about standing in a short scaffold on the ground, out in the open, made Justin feel like he was breathing enough fresh air to want to fall asleep. He was also surprised that Elaine on a podium sounded a lot more influential, and a lot scarier, than when he was with her at home, and that was somewhat entertaining to watch. Furthermore, having Alex and Clay on his sides telling stupid jokes and laughing at the non-sense some of the people in the audience asked was enough to keep the mood up and his eyes open.

Justin had probably stopped listening to Lainie and the other speakers’ speeches at some early point, and it was safe to say that if he had been asked to give an opinion or a comment, he wouldn’t have known what to say. Nonetheless, there had been something he did hear, and it had made him smile more than he had expected he could. It had been almost at the end, when Lainie talked about her beautiful and supportive family; his handsome husband and his two marvelous sons. Justin had smiled, and Alex had gripped his thigh as a sign of support. Justin tried not to look like the happy idiot he knew he was becoming.

When all expositors had finished their parts , Justin and Clay walked straight up to their mom, who gladly received them with a simultaneous side hug for each one of them and a huge grin.

Turned out that even after having finished the conference, they were still expected to stay for a while to sign paperwork and speak to some people. Justin didn’t understand any of it, but he knew it was not his area of expertise and he decided to leave it to the adults. The only problem was, Lainie asked her boys to wait for her so they could all have lunch together. She didn’t say it out loud, but both Clay and Justin knew that Tony and Alex were also invited, so they stuck around as well.

“So, what now?” Tony rubbed his hands together as he turned around to face his three friends.

“We wait” Clay suggested. “Or,”

Clay stopped talking, and the boys waited for him to continue speaking. Clay looked at each one of them, “I don’t know, I thought you’d suggest something”

Tony smiled up at Clay, and Justin and Alex simply continued staring, waiting for the plan.

“Then, we wait” Tony smiled once more.

Clay took a step, but he didn’t stop; he continued walking as he proceeded talking to Tony, who took the hint and started to walk next to Clay.

As they spoke, Justin and Alex followed the pair wherever they were going; walking slowly, hands inside their pockets, elbows brushing against each other, lazy steps; one after the other.

Every step they took, Justin saw how distant they were becoming from his brother and their friend. It was normal; both Tony and Clay were healthy, active and talkative people who could keep up with each other’s energy. Justin and Alex were both downers with a lazy attitude and lazy walking; and they kept up with each other just as nicely.

It didn’t take them long for them to start engaging in their own conversation. Although, having the pair in front of them, made them feel a little inspired.

“Alex”

“What?”

Justin’s eyes were fixed on his brother.

“Have you ever thought that, maybe,” Justin frowned. “Clay has a crush on Tony?”

Justin turned to look at Alex, who had his own eyes set on the pair.

“Well,” Alex frowned as well as the thought. “I’d, actually, thought that Tony had a crush on Clay”

Justin took a second to consider it, and returned his sight to the boys, whose walking looked more like competitive running. “So, they have crushes on each other”

“What makes you think Clay likes Tony?”

“What makes you think Tony likes Clay?”

“I asked first”

Justin stared at Alex’s eyes and smiled slightly. “Fine,” Justin dragged Alex’s eyes to his brother, pointing with his arm completely straightened out.

“Okay, just look at him, he’s not subtle at all!” He motioned with both hands. “There’s literally no space between them, they’re always together, he’s always calling him first time in the morning, he always calls him before he goes to sleep, and sometimes, when he wakes up early and he showers, I know it’s because Tony’s already at our breakfast table chatting with Elaine”

Alex laughed silently. Probably feeling the irony in the air.

“It’s a little suspicious to me”

“But, don’t you think that those things would also include Tony?” Alex crawled his way into the debate. “If Tony didn’t like Clay, they wouldn’t be together all the time, and showing up early in the morning at your house?”

“Maybe,” Justin tilted his head. “But, today, for example,” He continued. “It’s a family thing, and he invites Tony”

That time, Alex hadn’t been the only one who felt the sweet breeze of irony.

However, they both ignored it.

“Besides, he doesn’t want to go out with any girls lately” Justin turned back to Alex. Next, he said something, so simple, yet he’d later regret. “Like you,”

Alex stared at him, with no recognizable expression; a few seconds of silence and blank sight. “You’re not bringing that up again”

Justin read and felt the annoyance in Alex’s voice, but he also digested his own side of the talk. Besides, he couldn’t deny he still felt curious. Even if they had already talked about it; he still wanted to know what was going on with Alex in his mind.

“I’m not” But he continued staring.

“Yes, you are” Alex stared as well.

“I didn’t mean to”

Alex sighed, and Justin wanted to reply.

And, if it hadn’t been because Elaine had appeared, telling them she was ready and they could go get lunch together now, he would’ve.

“Where are Clay and Tony?”

 

Lunch for six at a restaurant didn’t feel much different from breakfast for four in a small, round table in a cozy kitchen. Especially when the extra two are, always, there.

There was no difference in the way his new family felt in a commonly lazy day, and a fancy and elegant day out; because they always had that same feeling; the same one Justin had grown to love and crave when he was away.

Having the Jensens as a family always felt like having a strong and warm cushion attached to him; one that was also so soft to the touch and light to carry. Being around them felt like a roof in bare air, protecting him from the storms; safe knowing regardless of the weather outside, he would always be okay inside.

Having a family felt like everything would be okay in the end.

And, having Alex there with them, felt like a beaming high he never wanted to come down from.

Even when he knew they were beginning to touch certain topics he had been avoiding for as long as he could’ve been able to. Even when they were having a normal conversation on top of a layer of fake oblivion.

Justin knew Alex was still a little mad because of everything he had done behind his back, and that he was trying not to bring it up, for the sake of maintaining the peace between them.

Nevertheless, Justin knew it was going to break sooner or later.

 

Later that day, after Justin and Clay’s parents went home and Tony and Clay went along with their own plans, Justin sat on Alex’s passenger seat and remained mostly quiet the whole time they drove. It wasn’t because he was mad, nor nervous. It was because he had never sat down to think about Alex like that; to _really_ see him.

When they drove together, they were usually talking about the day, singing along to _their_ songs, complaining about their demons and their _sometimes_ daily dose of harm. However, that time, they weren’t.

Justin sat down laid back completely against the seat, letting the air from the dark, evening road touch his face. His elbow resting on the edge of the opened window… looking at him.

Because Alex didn’t need to drive with just one hand to look sexy, and he didn’t need to wear sunglasses at that time of day, but he did anyway because he always complained about other drivers’ tail lights. He’d occasionally grab Justin’s hand, and then he’d throw it to him, laughing at the cheesiness or their friendly relationship.

Justin would be caught up, staring a little too long; and Alex would feel the piercing eyes, turning around and smiling at Justin.

“What?” Alex asked with his beautiful smile.

Justin returned the smile, and he turned to look back at the road. “Nothing”

 

_Driving to the middle of nowhere, nobody knew where they were._

Okay. It was more like an empty parking lot nearby a supermarket. Justin and Alex liked driving there because it was quiet, and it was calm, and intimate. They could also have those things elsewhere, but they liked to spice things up sometimes and visit new places they could be alone and cry so hard nobody would listen; or laugh so loud no one but each other could tell.

The car still felt warm on his back, but the ground was as cold as ice. If he moved his head to the side, he could feel the headlights almost burning his skin, so he decided not to move too much.

“I have a request,” Alex dropped his bag of chips on the ground, clapped the dust off his hands and shifted so he could be in front of Justin.

“Wow, so proper” Justin raised his eyebrow. “What is it, Mr. I don’t eat healthy food anymore?”

“Let’s do something” Alex ignored the irony. “I get to ask you a question, whatever I want, and you get to answer with nothing but the truth, no matter how embarrassing it is”

“So, you’re going to ask me embarrassing questions?”

“Among others, yeah”

Justin smiled. _What a stupid game._ But, _what a cute guy_.

“And, I get to do the same,” Justin added.

“Sure, it’s only fair” Alex didn’t seem to hesitate one bit.

“Okay,”

“Fine, I’ll start”

Alex looked at Justin straight in the eyes, and Justin felt like they might’ve melted if he didn’t look away for a second.

“Tell me,” Alex narrowed his eyes. “What is one dream you’ve had, and you can’t forget?”

“I can’t forget it because it was very nice, or because it was very traumatizing?”

“Both”

“Okay” Justin sighed.

“I once went with my school in elementary to this town, like an excursion or a camp; parents were invited, but mine didn’t go, of course, so I shared a room with the teacher and the other three forgotten kids. I remember that night I had this dream, where I was laying down in the middle of the street, and then a car ran me over and pieces of Justin flew everywhere”

“But, people say you can’t die in your dreams”

“I know, it was weird, it was like I was watching it from afar,”

“That’s disturbing, man” Alex looked down. “And the other one?”

“The happy one?”

“Yeah,”

“I don’t know. How about you tell me yours instead?”

“This is not your turn to ask, you cheater”

“This is not my question, I am sincerely asking because I am curious about your beautiful memories”

Alex laughed; a sincerely laugh. He gave Justin one of those squeezes in the heart that felt like sugar in the mouth. “Okay”

“When I was in the hospital, and I saw my scar for the first time, I didn’t want to look in the mirror, because it was horrific, but you know all about that,”

Justin smiled at that; and not because it was such a happy memory, but because he knew that opening up to Alex about his addiction had brought a piece upon himself he hadn’t known possible, and he knew that it had been the same for Alex. Seeing Alex was comfortable enough to talk about his accident without escaping from eye contact or stuttering, that felt nice.

“I dreamed that I was older, and I was dying my hair, and my scar wasn’t visible, and that’s it”

Justin tilted his head.

“I know it’s not a huge thing, but it did feel good the next morning when I woke up,”

“But it’s nice”

“What?”

“Your scar, it gives you style”

“Shut up” Alex punched Justin’s arm lightly as he laughed.

“Okay, my turn” Justin rubbed his hands together. “If you could change one thing about this town, what would it be?”

Alex frowned at first, but then he looked around the parking lot, as if trying to find his answer.

“Maybe, the pavement” He looked down and touched the ground with both hands. “It’s so ugly, look at it”

Justin looked down, unimpressed. “It is very ugly, but it is pavement, it’s not supposed to look nice”

“Could be nicer”

“Alex,” Justin called. “You have the opportunity to change anything; anything you want to; change anything you want about this shitty town, and you choose the fucking pavement”

Alex looks down one more time.

“You’re right, this is a shitty town”

“You could change, I don’t know, the schools…”

“The fucking lawyers, man”

“The therapists; half of the ones I saw were dumb as shit”

“Let’s not even mention mine, they were worse than I was”

“The teachers,”

“The students”

“The girls” Justin exaggerated his hand movements.

“What about the girls?”

“They are… I don’t know, really hard to understand, to date”

Alex let out a huff. “Like it matters, with my luck,”

“Well, I tried to help you, and you didn’t let me”

It took Alex a while to take his eyes off Justin. He didn’t say a word, he just stared; but it was only for a few seconds, before he rolled his eyes and let out a huge sigh.

The parking lot at late afternoon didn’t seem as quiet anymore.

“Justin Foley, not again”

“What?”

“Can’t we just stop talking about it? Why do you have to go on and on about that?”

“Well, we haven’t really talked about it, every time I try, you shut me out”

“Because I don’t want to talk about it, Jus”

“But, why? Why don’t you want to talk about it?”

“Because there’s nothing to say”

“Clearly, there’s a lot to say”

“Justin, really, let it go”

Justin heard the words _let it go_ , but to him it sounded like _fuck it_ , like _don’t let him hide this time_. Justin stood from the cold ground “No, Alex”

Alex was still on the ground, but Justin could very well feel his anger rising up. He didn’t like making Alex feel like that, but when they got on each other’s nerves, it didn’t really matter.

“Stop it, okay? I’m done with this _poor me_ bullshit”

Alex lowered his head. He had probably heard that phrase before.

“I tried to help you, I was being a good friend, and you just-”

“I, what?”

“You are being an ungrateful little shit, you know that?” Justin snapped.

Alex stared at Justin, and he stood up as well. “Ungrateful?” Alex stared right at Justin’s eyes. “Are you saying I should thank you for trying to hook me up with a bunch of strangers?”

“But you agreed to it!”

“And then I changed my mind, I said no! I told you I didn’t want to be involved in this anymore, And if that wasn’t enough, you tried to hook me up with Jessica”

“But why? I want to know why” Justin stepped closer. “It is because of her, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not Jessica”

“Then, what is it?”

Alex opened his mouth, and even though it moved and a few words tried to come out, nothing did. Instead, he remained completely silent.

Justin took a step forward, he lifted both of his arms and grabbed Alex’s shoulders tightly, and he repeated “What is it?”

“I didn’t want you to help me have sex with anyone, because I don’t want to have sex with just anyone” Alex answered; words clear and loud. Justin grabbed his shoulders even tighter. “Because I want it to be someone”

Justin let out his breath. “Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

“Because you didn’t let me, and it doesn’t matter”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

“It means that you don’t have to know everything about me” Alex took a step back. “It means that I get to keep some things to myself”

“No, that’s bullshit, and you know it” Justin followed as Alex walked backwards; his limp had faded, but it was still there, and Justin was secretly ready to catch him if he fell. “We tell each other everything, we know everything about each other because that’s what we do, we tell each other things, we trust each other, because if we don’t, who are we going to confide in?”

“Justin”

“You don’t get to share with me things about your family, and your accident, and the things you fear and the things that make you feel sick, and then hide this from me”

“Justin” Alex called him louder.

“If you wanted to have sex with someone, I’d want to know, even if I didn’t agree with it, even if I didn’t like them,” Justin ran his hands through his hair. “Even if it hurt me”

“Justin, I didn’t tell you,” Alex screamed. “I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be you”

Alex breathed heavily, his chest moved up and down, and the only emotion which could be seen on his face was- anger.

However, Justin…

He felt like he had been hit with a pillow, filled with rocks, and realizing it didn’t hurt.

“What?”

“Justin, you know that we-” Alex pointed at himself, and then at Justin. He looked around with sighs, placing his hands inside his pockets. “I want it to be you”

Justin wanted to say- _so many_ things. But, “Why?” was everything he could manage to say.

Alex laughed and rolled his eyes at the same time.

“Why what?”

Justin tried to swallow the lump inside his throat; but it didn’t go anywhere.

“We don’t have to do this right now”

“Justin,” Alex stepped closer. “You keep insisting that we do talk about this, you know very well that we can’t keep-”

“No, Alex”

Both Alex and Justin stared each other without saying a word.

“I don’t want to talk about this, not right now, not today,”

“Justin, calm down”

“I’m just gonna go home”

And like that, Justin turned around.

His own voice, replicated into a thousand things he could’ve said and done; kept pounding in his head, each one trying to get him to turn around and do something differently. His feet were walking fast; one foot before the other, making their own way into sweet nowhere.

Because Justin had walked himself right into this hole of raw truth and he didn’t feel ready to face it. Not yet.

Even when _that_ was everything we wanted.

 

It was past midnight, it was cold, yet the blood rushing felt too hot. The wind blew strong enough to be heard, the night was as loud as the city days; but in his mind, everything was silent with buzzing thoughts.

Justin felt every step he took becoming a heavy weight of mud; hard to lift his feet from the ground, painful to get closer to the burning fire; sadly, honest to becoming less distant from the fate he was aware he could bring upon himself.

It would have been easier to have avoided the situation, but he told himself there was no use in trying to close his eyes and wishing it away; because it was not going away. He was already in, and there was nothing he could do to continue pushing it into depth.

Therefore, even if he hurt, even if he felt like when he opened Alex’s bedroom door, he would walk into the flames that would twist him forever, he accepted that there was nothing else he could do.

And so it began.

Justin opened the door, and it took him a few seconds to lift his gaze from his feet, meeting Alex.

The guy was already in bed, but he wasn’t asleep, he was sitting there, with his phone in his hands, and his eyes completely set on Justin.

Justin sighed carefully, almost unnoticeable. He stepped into the room like he had done so many times before; he began to take off his shoes, his jacket, his jeans, like he had done too many times before. He lifted the covers of Alex’s bed and he got in, like he had already done before.

There in Alex’s bed, with the familiar texture of the cold sheets, but the magical presence of Alex’s warm body, he laid on his right side, facing away from the other boy, and he closed his eyes; wishing one last time, that If he closed them long enough, he’d wake up to a normal day where he could very happily avoid talking about his feelings for Alex. But even he knew that was not going to happen, so he swallowed his fears and held his guts in his hands.

“I don’t want to hurt you” Justin opened his eyes, and waited for Alex to respond.

“What do you mean?”

Justin still didn’t look at him, nor turned to his side.

“I want to have you with me in every aspect of my life, I do” His smile deceived him. “I want to have you there with me all the time. I don’t remember how I used to deal with shit before I had you, and I don’t ever want to lose you, I don’t want to hurt you”

Alex didn’t speak, but Justin could feel how he was shifting on the bed, possibly moving so he could look at Justin directly, ready for him when he decided to turn around.

Justin was far from turning around, though, he knew the only way he was going to say everything he needed to say was if he didn’t look at Alex; because he knew that if he looked at him in the eye, he would crack, and he would cry so much he wouldn’t be able to align himself again; so he continued, before the words could get lost inside his mind.

“You know that we are not just friends, and it’s not that I don’t want to be that to you, it’s that I don’t want to lose you, for whatever thing that might happen”

“Why do you say that? Why would you hurt me?” Alex said as quickly as Justin finished.

“Because that’s what I always do” Justin felt his face warming up. “I hurt Jessica, and I hurt Hanna, and I hurt my mom, and I don’t want to be to you what I was to them. If you decided that I wasn’t good enough to be your boyfriend, I wouldn’t know what to do with my life-”

“Wait” Alex touched Justin shoulder, inviting him to turn around, but he resisted. “No, Justin, could you-” Alex shifted one more time. “Could you at least turn around?”

Justin shut his eyes, but after a big sigh, he did as asked. Simply, he made gentle movements with his elbows, so he could turn to face Alex. Somehow, he felt too rigid, and too scared to sit up straight and be in an equal position to Alex, so he stayed there, looking up at Alex from his pillow.

Alex was sitting up, and Justin knew that Alex probably understood why Justin decided to stay there like a log, so he didn’t push it. Instead, he took advantage of Justin’s free hand, and he took it lightly. It wasn’t exactly a hand hold, it was more like a hand touching, where Alex’s fingers ran up and down Justin’s.

Justin loved when Alex touched him; his touch felt like a magnet that kept him attached to sanity. That had been the perfect way to describe how he was feeling at that moment; like he could go mad at any second, but because Alex had decided to touch him, he’d be okay.

“If I say something completely cheesy, would you laugh?”

Justin smiled at Alex’s fingers; rambling inside his brain, wondering how Alex could make him smile and feel calm, right after he had thought he was going to die a few minutes before.

“I don’t know” Justin replied, trying to hold Alex’s hand properly.

Alex smiled, too. He tilted his head and showed his bright, sweet smile. He allowed Justin to take his hand fully, as he had been playing with his fingers, and he looked at their hands, with their long fingers around each other’s, the cold skin turning warm as quick as the sounds of the room became too distant for them to focus on anything else.

“You are everything I need, Justin” Alex’s voice felt softer than his hands and his sheets, his face… “You would never not be good enough”

Justin stared at their hands and let the words digest in his head, although he was having a little trouble with that. If Alex could only read the conflict inside of him instead of trying to explain. How was it possible that a person like Alex existed? How was it possible that Justin had found someone like that? He wondered what he had done to deserve such an amazing human being in his life. Justin wanted Alex to understand that he was nowhere near surprised that he had fallen for the boy, because, how could he not?

What was the real wonder, was that Alex had fallen for him as well, and Justin sometimes thought so little about himself that he wondered what awful thing Alex had done in his life to deserve someone like Justin. But when Alex said things like that… when the word _good_ escaped Alex’s lips, Justin didn’t believe he was too bad, then.

And that was exactly why he was afraid. He feared losing that. That light in his life. He feared losing the person who made him believe in himself, who made him see that if he was capable of loving someone _that_ much, then maybe, he could love himself as well; and he loved that. He loved that loving Alex was making him love himself, too. And he was afraid of losing that.

“That is cheesy” Justin smiled, and Alex laughed.

There were a few things Justin wanted to say, but he didn’t even know how to put it into words. What he knew was, that Alex deserved to know at least a little piece of what was going on inside Justin’s head.

Despite his fear, and the growing heat in his face, Justin let go of Alex’s hand, and he placed all his strength in his hand and his elbow, so he could sit up, just like Alex.

“It’s just that,” Justin tried, feeling like he had already failed. “I don’t know how to be a good boyfriend, I’ve never been a good one, and I don’t want to fail you, Alex” Justin looked at Alex’s eyes without breaking for once, and he tried to keep that going. “Don’t laugh if I say something cheesy”

Alex laughed.

“You became the best person in my life, and it’s amazing considering all the things that happened to you, and what happened to me, that we could still be friends,” Justin smiled every time Alex did. “I-” Justin didn’t really know how to say what he wanted to say; felling like he had already ruined the moment before he had even said anything. He closed his eyes and tried to shake his thoughts away so they could fall into place. “I want you to be with me all the time, because, I- forgot what it’s like to not have you around, _I’ve built my life around you_ , and I don’t know what it would be like to go back”

Alex took Justin’s hand again.

“I thought that if I kept on being your friend, and just your friend, I would never do anything stupid, which, I did, but, I thought I wouldn’t be able to hurt you that way, and when you said that you wanted it to be me, the person you wanted to have sex with, I knew that there was no way I could continue acting like you and I were just bound to be friends, and that I would end up messing this up, one way or another, and I can’t lose you, do you understand that? I don’t want to lose you”

“I do” Alex began to speak when Justin stopped, and Justin was glad, because he felt like if Alex didn’t cut him off, he would continue pouring his heart out, and he would become a mess of tears. He wanted to stay calm and strong. “I understand” Alex shared a smile with Justin.

“But, Justin,” He shifted again. Both boys were sitting on the bed, facing each other completely. “You don’t need to be a good boyfriend, you just need to be _you_ ; like you’ve always been, because it’s not even about wanting a boyfriend, I don’t want you to take me to dinner with candles and expensive food, I don’t want you to tweet about me or to tag me in your Instagram posts,”

Justin laughed at that, remembering how they would talk about Justin tweeting about Jessica and tagging her in his Instagram posts as a true love sign.

“You’d think that we’re made for romance” Alex pointed at his head, exactly the spot where his scar permanently laid. “I just want you to be with me all the time, too. Does that sound like something we can do?”

“It sounds like something we already do”

“Exactly”

“Yeah” Both of them smiled with each other, and they let a few seconds of silence sooth them.

“And about the sex thing,” Alex’s voice regained his usual confident tone, filled with banter and joy; Justin could only laugh. “I wasn’t asking you to take me right away, and I am not asking you to do it now, I just wanted you to know that I want it to be you, but it doesn’t need to happen if you don’t want to”

“I want to” Justin answered right away. “Just, not right now”

And then, Alex’s grip on Justin hand tightened in the softest way; his smile tasted like everything that was good and pure in the world, and Justin continued to melt, like he had been doing for months. “Whenever you’re ready”

“Thanks”

Justin looked straight into Alex’s eyes, and he did the same. Silence filled the room and washed away the weight of the conversation and the flood in their thoughts.

“Alex” Justin broke the silence eventually, even with the thread of voice he used, barely audible.

Alex stared at Justin for a second, with his eyes travelling from one to the other to look at the boy from both angles. “Yeah?” He replied with the same lightness.

Justin’s head tilted once to the front, making it hard to look at each other without getting crossed-eyed. Naturally, Alex tilted his head to the front too, allowing his forehead to touch Justin’s. Justin smiled, and his hand right hand travelled to the back of Alex’s head. He touched the soft hair with the tip of his fingers; he dug his hand inside the mess of the top of his head, and then he slid it down to caress the brunet buzzcut.

Making soft movements, with his thumb caressing Alex’s jawline, and the tip of his fingers always running around his hair, Justin let out his softest, yet truest, statement of the night. It was something that couldn’t have been more obvious for the both of them, something that hadn’t need to be said; simple words speaking pure honesty that made Alex’s mind go wild.

“We haven’t even kissed yet,”

Alex smiled to himself, and allowed himself to let out a breathless laugh, as he continued to enjoy Justin’s touch. “I know”

“Alex,” Justin called once again.

“Yeah?” Alex replied once more.

“Do you want to?” Justin placed his other hand on the other side of Alex’s face. “Is that something that you think about?”

Alex shifted in his bed one last time, just so he could allow his hands to take hold of Justin’s face as well.

“I think about that all the time” He whispered loud enough for Justin to hear. “Do you think about it?”

Justin instantly laughed, and with another breathless whisper, he replied, “I will never not think about that”

As the boys whispered to the air between one another, their grips started tightening on each other; holding their skin and playing with their hair as they tried to hold still on the bed in order not to fly above the Earth, Justin tried to stand up so he could have Alex’s body pressed completely against his own, but all he could manage to do with Alex trying to do the same, tangled in each other’s arms, and the mess of blankets and pillows invading their space, was to kneel down with Alex before him, and they let their thoughts come clean.

“Many times,” Justin breathed. “I’ve tried,”

“I have tried, too”

“And I’ve always almost done it,”

“It would hunt me for days”

“I would take cold showers”

“Run in the mornings”

“Try to do something else...”

“…to get you out of my head”

Their mouths were closer.

“There really ain’t no one else”

“No one else”

And the air stopped. The room went silently quiet; everything stopped moving, and their minds went blank. They had their eyes closed, but their lips still found their way to each other. It simply happened with a quick lock on each other’s lips; like two magnets who had been apart for too long, and just then, were starting to find their shared frequency. When they let go, it didn’t take them long to reconnect, with a smile in between and a head tilt there to modify the way, they kissed again; with strength and softness, with clarity and dedication; it almost felt timid, but there was so much confidence floating around.

It felt strange, on both sides, how they had wanted that specific, tiny moment for so long, when it was nothing special nor out of this world. They didn’t need to solve most of their problems to be able to have this one thing; they could still be flawed and damaged, and they could still be there.

In Justin’s mind, that was what it was all about.

He didn’t need a person who promised to fix him; he needed someone he could be broken with, so they could grow together; and he didn’t need to have money, or a car, a house, not even a family to get it, because it was right there, before him, and he was not going to let it go.

And so it began, because _nobody really understands how, or when, or why it is that they start falling for another person; but it happens, and there's no going back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooookay. Thank you so much to everyone who read the story from the beginning, and to everyone who came halfway through it, and to everyone who waited an eternity to see and read the finale. I am beyond honored every time I read your comments; it fills my heart with joy to know that what I do is not trash, and that people actually like it?! That’s the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had. It’s amazing.  
> This has nothing to do with the story or anything at all, but I really wanted to say it, because I wish someone had said it to me when I began writing. Whenever you feel like writing, or whenever you think you have a good idea for a story, or whenever you just want to write from a trope or a popular AU, literally, JUST DO IT. Thinking that your story won’t be good enough, or stopping halfway there because you haven’t achieved what you aimed for in the beginning is only going to slow you down from creating something truly beautiful. Whenever you start writing, continue until you finish; finish everything you start, and you’ll be surprised by how far you can actually get to. Plus, you never know what might happen, and you have nothing to lose, and so much to earn!


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